Saturday, December 01, 2007

Dear Facebook friend: give me proper booze or FUCK OFF!!!

I never realised what a fucking evil and outrageous institution Facebook was when I joined up. I was innocent, naive. Forgive me Lord, for I knew not what I had joined. A friend — or so I thought — sent me an invite to join this thing I knew nothing about. It all seemed like such harmless fun.

How wrong I was.

Now if you go on Facebook you will see a thousand different groups claiming it is all a grand CIA consirpiacy, or denouncing some latest alleged violation of personal privacy.

Well I say there are much greater problems with this institution.

Let's start with this: So-called friends *repeatedly* send you so-called drinks. Like they are doing you some kind of favour.

Of course, I am for people buying me drinks. But there is one small problem. THEY DON'T FUCKING EXIST!

That's right — you cannot consume a Facebook drink. Take note, everyone, a Facebook drink, no matter how many "Tequilla Sunrises", "Cockersucking Cowboys", or "Irish Carbombs" you may deign to send, CANNOT get anyone drunk.

Now, maybe you missed a meeting, but that is kind of THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT of alcohol.

I mean, what kind of person thinks *fictional booze* is a good idea??? What is this post-modern drug abuse everyone is so keen to promote?

Is this someone's idea of a sick joke? Well, I for one want to see corpses hanging from lamposts in response. Teach the fuckers a lesson.

You see, alcohol is not a joke. No! It exists for a reason. To get *drunk*. And you are all taking its name in vain.

It appears to be some kind of taunt to us alcoholics. Here, have drink! On me! Only... you can't *actually* consume it. Have fun!

It isn't as though I don't appreciate the sentiment. I just happen to think that a law should be passed that says anyone who sends a fictional drink to someone else using this evil institution is required, on pain of death, at the next convenient moment, to transform this positive "drink buying" sentiment into a material reality — and buy the *real fucking thing*!

Otherwise, I thank you not to waste my time.


  1. Seriously, what the hell is going on? What the fuck is next - send you mates a free bump of crystal meth or shot of smack? Good god, people, have you no shame? Damn it, will I never stop asking rhetorical questions?

    Carlo Sands does NOT approve.

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