Saturday, July 25, 2009

Are you drinking with me Jesus?

It seems you can't do anything without some bastard ripping you off.

I wrote a, frankly, quite brilliant poem about drinking with Jesus and demanding he buy me booze, and a good friend has brought to me attention that no sooner do I post it than those motherfuckers Jello Biafra and Mojo Nixon rip me off with their own song about getting pissed by Our Saviour, Jesus Christ.

That said, I wholeheartedly approve of the song. I gave up trying to pick the best lyrics to highlight so here are the lyrics in full:

I saw you sittin' there
I was tryin' not to stare
I wasn't sure if it was you
I didn't know just what to do

Are you drinkin' with me Jesus
I can't see you very clear
Are you drinkin' with me Jesus
Would you buy a friend a beer

As I nestled on my barstool
I felt your warmness within
I looked down at my pants
That wasn't warmness
I wet myself again

Does your head pound, Jesus
As hung over you do rise
How does paradise look, Jesus
Through holy bloodshot eyes

Should we take a cab home Jesus
Shit, man, we can hoof it from here
I know you can walk on the water
But can you walk on this much beer

“How does paradise look, Jesus/Through holy bloodshot eyes” — Only God knows if Jesus will be sober for the Final Battle between Good and Evil.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Buy me a beer, Lord

Anyone who knows me can affirm I am fundamentally a creative, artist creature. The heart of a poet beats deep inside of Carlo Sands.

Long-time readers of this blog will know, this is not the first poem I have chosen to publish — to bare my soul before the world.

I feel the "I WILL KILL YOU NOW FUCK OFF AND GET ME A DRINK — a poem" has never received the critical acclaim it deserves.

It is often said that a true artistic genius has to die before they are recognised. But, as I have aleady explained, I died on October 31, 2008 and I have the Facebook quiz "When will you die" as my death certificate.

Still, I await in vain for the accolades that this epic is overdue.

Not to be deterred by lack of recognition I have faced even in death, I hereby publish a more recent work.

As the few who truly know me can attest, I am also quite spiritual.

All of us have a chance, an opportunity and, some may say, even a duty to develop and nurture our own personal relationship with Jesus Christ, Our Saviour.

I was moved to put down my own thoughts and feelings on the profound relationship I personally enjoy with our Lord Above in the form of a poem.

Plus, I happen to be quite broke right now. We are told that Jesus loves us, and I thought now would be a good time to cash that cheque.

Plus, it's His shout.

* * *

Buy Me a Beer Lord
— a poem by Carlo Sands

Oh, God

Get me a beer, Lord
I've sick of the world
hand me a beer, Lord
coz I've sick of it all

Oh, God

Could you buy me a beer, Lord?
I hate everything
Buy us a beer, Lord
actually, second thoughts, make mine a gin

Oh God

Buy me a beer, Lord
I am hard up right now
Get us a beer while you're there, Lord
anyway, it's your fucking shout

Thank Christ!

Thank you, Lord
for this amber gift
Now with your offering of love,
I'm going to get pissed

Yeah thanks heaps, Lord
for your alcoholic gift
now leave me alone, Lord
so I can get pissed