Saturday, April 17, 2010

They want our way of life...

“They want our way of life... well they can take mine any time they like.” Jarvis Cocker answers those insisting we need to defend Western civilisation from the barbarians trying to destroy it — be it by flying planes into our buildings or by the old “trojan horse” trick of turning up in leaky boats asking for protection from wars backed by our governments.

I posted that clip coz I WAS FUCKING THERE! WATCHING HIM! IN SYDNEY! But actually, this acoustic performance done on the spot for some interview Jarvis did about songwriting is much better and I recommend you play it.

They want our way of life
Well, they can take mine any time they like
Cause God knows I know I ain't living right
I'm wrong
Oh, I know I'm so wrong

So like the Roman Empire fell away
Let me tell you; we are going the same way
Ah, behold the Decline and Fall
All hold hands with our backs to the wall


Not one single soul was saved
I was ordering an Indian take-away
I was spared whilst others went to an early grave
Got stoned
Yeah, went out and got stoned

Well, if your ancestors could see you standing there
They would gaze in wonder at your Frigidaire
They had to fight just to survive
So can't you do something with your life?

It's the end, why don't you admit it?
It's the same from Auschwitz to Ipswich
Evil comes I know from not where
But if you take a look inside yourself
Maybe you'll find some in there

Here it comes
Why don't you embrace it?
You lack the guts needed to face it
Say goodbye to the way you've been living
You never realised you were on the wrong side
And nobody's going to win

They want our way of life
Well, they can take mine any time they like

Monday, April 12, 2010

Dear Kyle Sandlilands and 2Day FM management

2Day FM morning show host Kyle Sandilands, the scumbag who gives bags filled with scum a bad name, is facing media controversy again.

The April 11 Sydney Morning Herald said Sandilands’ “ seemingly unguarded comments in a recent trade industry podcast have caused further ructions within 2Day FM”.

This being the man who responded to a 14-year-old girl’s shock revelation while strapped to a lie detector live on air and questioned about her sex life that she had in fact been raped, “so have you had any other sexual experiences?”

Ever a charming fellow, Sandilands forced his 2Day FM morning radio show’s newsreader Geoff Field to resign through constant on air bullying.

Sandilands described Field as “like a step child you can't get rid of”.

Field complained to 2Day FM’s human resources about the constant public belittling. Sandilands responded in the Media Week podcast with: “He was running off down to HR . . . bitching and carrying on ... Geoff's an older gay man, easily offended.”

Field will now work on 2Day FM’s drive time show with Andy and Hamish.

Field, who addressed Sydney’s March 20 demonstration in favour of legalising same-sex marriage, has actually shown a willingness to perform acts aimed at human progress — as opposed to Sandilands’ ceaseless efforts to try to drown it in a sewer.

But it wouldn’t be right to direct all the blame at Sandilands. By his own admission, he is just doing his job.

The SMH article noted: “Sandilands says when he started on 2Day's night-time program Hot 30, management wanted someone to stir things up. ‘That's what [then program director] Jeff Allis said to me: Do what you want. Don't listen to anyone. If you don't like what the program manager says, just don't do it,’ Sandilands says.

“‘He was my get-out-of-jail-free card. So I sailed through my first five or six years at Austereo protected by the group program director. That's why I was such an arsehole to everyone and anyone.’”

But after Sandliands, already reviled for the on-air rape stunt, advised comedian Madga Szabanski that she should try a Nazi concentration camp to lose more weight, the public criticism was getting pretty extreme.

So, he had a crisis meeting with Austereo chairperson Peter Harvie.

Said Sandilands: “I was more cautious with Peter Harvie than anyone else on the planet because I’d already lost the Idol job and I was thinking this guy holds the purse strings to my other income.

“He told me ... ‘We’re in trouble and I don’t know how we’re going to get through this.’ Told me people were out for my blood. People were out for his blood.

“He came to the decision that I would continue the suspension for another few weeks and he thought it would be a good idea if the salary I earned in that time was distributed through charities...”

Sandilands, concerned as ever with the cause closest to his own heart, responded: “I didn't think that was a good idea because I wanted the money.”

So, while I am on the topic of letters to dear friends, I thought it only fair to lay off the US ruling class for a minute to focus closer to home.

I am, however, fucking lazy. Therefore, I have decided to leave it the the greatest poet I know: John Cooper Clarke. You can now enjoy the Bard of Salford in conjunction with this blog’s renowned collection of google ads, just at the top of the page (great money-spending opportunities only a click away).

This poem is not just dedicated to Sandilands, the public face of vomit, but the likes of Allis and Harvie who stick their fingers down his throat to help him spew up on air.

“Do us all a favour, here... wear this polythene bag”

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Dear Motherfuckers

Dear Motherfuckers,

As you well fucking know, I have the greatest fucking respect for you as fucking rulers of the United fucking States and legitimate fucking leaders of the free fucking world and your self-a-fucking-ppointed mission to fucking bring fucking civilisation, fucking democracy and Mc-fucking-Donald's to the whole fucking world.

I fucking lay awake at fucking night and fucking think to my fucking self, what the entire fucking world needs, whatever its inhabitants may fucking think, is a fucking system that grants legal fucking rights to fucking corporations to buy the entire fucking political fucking system.

A fucking system that gives every fucking citizen the fucking god damn fucking right to fucking buy expensive fucking health care fucking insurance so that if a fucking citizen gets fucking ill they can fucking fight the fucking corporate fucking monsters for some fucking cash to fucking pay for the badly fucking needed treatment.

One that fucking allows its free fucking citizens the fucking right to be fucking evicted from their fucking homes because the fucking banks fucked up the entire fucking economy.

And that fucking ensures that any fucking global fucking summit to fucking deal with a fucking ecological fucking catastrophe caused by the fucking free fucking world's fucking system of fucking allowing the fucking corporations to fucking rape the fucking planet well and truly fucking fails.

However, it has fucking been brought to my fucking attention that in the fucking pursuit of these fucking goals of fucking making the fucking world a free fucking territory for your fucking corporations, fucking atrocities are being fucking committed on a regular fucking basis all over the fucking place.

I, of course, fucking refer to the fucking video fucking released of some fucking democracy promotion fucking activities by your fucking liberating fucking soldiers in fucking Iraq.

It fucking appears this is not fucking unique.

What is fucking more, it hardly fucking stops there. There are the fucking large fucking number of fucking stories of fucking civilian massacres being fucking committed by your fucking troops in fucking Afghanistan.

Nor does it fucking end there. In the fucking fight against the fucking terrorist-fucking loving dictatorship of fucking Hugo Chavez in fucking Venezuela (which has only fucking been endorsed by more than a dozen fucking national fucking elections in eleven fucking years) the fucking democratic fucking armed forces of fucking Colombia, well fucking paid by you, have been fucking caught fucking massacring fucking thousands of fucking opponents, burying them in fucking mass fucking graves.

And then fucking claiming they are fucking terrorists so it is all fucking right.

Then there is the fucking case of fucking Honduras, where the fucking regime fucking backed by you is fucking organising fucking death squads to carry out a fucking reign of fucking terror against unarmed fucking opponents.

Hillary fucking Clinton with Porfirio “Pepe” fucking Lobo, whose fucking US-fucking-backed government is fucking training death fucking squads to fucking murder political fucking opponents.

It isn't that I fucking don't believe you that such fucking “tragedies” are merely a few fucking “regrettable” fucking incidents. It is merely that I fucking wish to give you some fucking advice.

Massacring children and civilians is not fucking democracy. It is not fucking liberty. It is not fucking fighting fucking terrorism. It is fucking committing fucking war fucking crimes.

And one fucking day every fucking one of you fucking motherfuckers fucking responsible will be fucking hauled into a fucking court room to hear your fucking judgement.

And if I should fucking meet any of you motherfuckers late at fucking night in a fucking alleyway, I have a special fucking message to give you.

And you can take your fucking speeches and your fucking Nobel Peace fucking Prizes given to your fucking commander in fucking chief and fucking choke on them.

Yours fucking sincerely,
Carlo fucking Sands

PS: Fuck you.

The motherfuckers rain down some fucking civilisation on some fucking barbarians.

Thursday, April 01, 2010

Best LOLcat there is

I like this LOLcat. It speaks to me.

Also, the groundbreaking film below speaks to me too... about the threat to goonbags and the importance of ironing, among other things.

A groundbreaking and controversial film by Ben Peterson and Carlo Sands. The fourth in the much-acclaimed Conversation series is a sometimes disturbing but ultimately warm look at life, love and platypuses. Written and directed by Ben Peterson and Carlo Sands. Executive producer Conehead the Barbiturate. All rights reserved Conehead Studios and Laundering Services.

See the rest of the Conversation series:
A conversation: a short film about beer and ovaries

A second conversation. A short film on refugees and gaffer tape.

Conversation III: This time it's personal. A short film on bouncers and mangoes.