You know, sometimes when you look around the world, everything can seem really fucking dark -- and not just at night.
The goddamn oceans are screwed, Europe's economy teeters in the balance over Greece's inevitable debt default with only the question of whether they can force the already poor and overworked Greek working class to carry the fucking can *again* and avoid potential immediate collapse so as to collapse a little bit later when all the cuts and austerity drive the Greek economy further into recession, and, in Australia, the level of public debate in recent times on refugees has been so hysterical it has made EDDIE FUCKING MCGUIRE seem a voice of reason.
Yes, Eddie "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire -- WELL FUCK YOU I ALREADY AM!" McGuire. Eddie "Western Sydney is Falafel Land" McGuire. Eddie "Let's Make Homophobic Jokes About Athletes at the Winter Olympics" McGuire.
Eddie THE FUCKING PRESIDENT OF COLLINGWOOD FUCKING FOOTBALL CLUB McGuire!!!
So insanely outrageous, so divorced from reality, so mindnumbingly racist is what passes for "discourse" in this godforsaken country over the "threat" of being "invaded" by a few hundred "boat people" each year, that it was actually left to McGuire to call for calm in a Herald Sun article against "the boring, predictable, racist-tinged appealing to the worst side of our nature and the rekindling of fear in the populace led by our politicians and news media".
McGuire said, in a startling and perhaps unprecedented recourse to actual facts in the Sun, that we don't need "scare-mongering tactics over an issue that for the year so far has seen fewer people arrive than sit on one morning train to Flinders St".
McGuire complaining about racist populism must be like hearing Goebells tell Hitler to "steady on, mate" because some of his anti-Jewish rhetoric seemed a bit extreme and what does he have against gypsies anyway?
But that is where this country is at. It is up to the president of *Collingwood* to call Australia out on racism.
Collingwood Football Club being the one whose former president, Alan McAlister, declared in 1993 that Aboriginal players were alright "as long as they conduct themselves like white people ... As long as they behave like human beings..."
That same year, it was the relentless racist abuse by Collingwood supporters against St Kilda Aboriginal player Nicky Winmar during a game that drove Winmar to run to the boundary line right in front of Collingwood supporters and, in a famous image, lift up his jumper and point defiantly at his black skin.
And it was Collingwood captain Tony Shaw who, in the aftermath of that incident, publically defended racist abuse as "part of the game".
This is what this fucking country has been reduced to. Lectures on racism from the president of Collingwood.
So, good news comes as a welcome relief and it doesn't get much better than a heartwarming tale of *another fucking royal wedding*.
Just when you thought every inbred parasite on the fucking planet lucky enough to not be French in the early 1790s had blown their broke nation's budget on stupid hats and champagne in some pointless feudalistic ritual, they found a nation far from broke for a brand new fairtytale.
And what a fairytale Monaco's royal wedding on July 2 was!
There cannot have been a dry eye in the tiny little statelet on the French Riviera as Prince Albert II wed South African swimmer Charlene Wittstock, now "Her Serene Highness the Princess of Monaco".
There is nothing like a tale of true love to improve the world's gloomy mood!
Becoming a princess is, as we all know, every little girl's ultimate dream! And the romantic story of Wittstock marrying her prince is a mighty blow to those cynics who think dreams don't come true!
On the spot, the London Telegraph's Henry Samuel sets the beautiful scene:
"The couple's glittering religious wedding drew crowds of thousands to the Mediterranean principality on Saturday and the guest list included a host of heads of state, European royals and stars of the fashion and sports world."
And the blushing bride all dressed in white?
"But sources cited by Le Journal du Dimanche said the former Charlene Wittstock, 33, tried to take refuge in her country's embassy in Paris when she went to the French capital in May to try on her wedding dress.
"Instead palace officials confiscated her passport and persuaded her to take part in the weekend's nuptials.
"Later that month she also tried to escape during the Monaco formula one grand prix, they alleged.
"Then, last week, she allegedly had her passport confiscated en route to Nice airport via the helicopter service that runs regularly between Monaco and France."
"Don't even *think* of jumping."
Even when on show before the entire world, the deep, heartfelt love they share shines through.
This is a tale of true love. The true love Monaco's 35,000-odd residents have for their tax-free status.
Monaco is a desperate little statelet that that exists as a tax haven for the mega-rich, but badly needs its ruling prince to produce a male heir or else the statelet will revert back to French rule -- and French tax rules.
But it seems their saviour, Charlene, was not happy by some recent news. Samuel refers to Monaco "policy advisers" who are said to have confirmed that the prince has fathered "two illegitimate children, one already born and one on the way".
But did not the princess-to-be not realise? Those kids, even if they *be* male, are *illegitimate*, born out of the sacred bonds of marriage, and therefore completely useless for the principality!
No, if Monaco is to continue being the tax-haven, grand-prix hosting paradise the mega-rich have come to love, they need a woman who has gone through a wedding to get knocked up as many times as takes for a baby boy to be born. By the prince, preferably.
Her Serene Highness may have had second thoughts about a loveless marriage of convenience to a middle-aged, balding, toad of a prince, but Monaco was not about to stand by and let such a fine breeding specimen escape...
And so they "persuaded" the rather desperate princess-to-be to go through with the marriage ... by foiling her three breaks for freedom and confiscating her passport.
No wonder they all look so happy in pictures of the crowds at the wedding. They fucking caught her before she escaped.
A forced marriage. How quaint! It is reassuring that in this day and age, there are *some* who still believe in tradition.
Now, Her Serene Highness needs merely concentrate on doing her royal duty...
"So, as soon as the ceremonies are over, we can begin our duty of trying to produce a male heir ... now come on, darling, don't cry in public."
"Don't *you* even fucking *think* of touching me! What is it with Monaco and ugly middle-aged men?"
Seeing Princess Charlene on her big day in her white wedding dress really brings to mind...well, Billy Idol.
"It's a nice day for a white wedding..."
* * *
The good news does not end there. Recent events have thrown up other examples of dreams coming true.
As fas as "victories for all humanity" go, they don't come much bigger than Essendon Football Club's heroic victory against Geelong last Saturday.
After a flying start to the season, The Mighty Bombers suffered something of a slump as injuries took their toll and the young team realised it is not always good to believe the hype. Five games in a row they lost.
Then they had to play Geelong -- unbeaten in the first 13 rounds. They had to do so with their captain and star midfielder Jobe Watson and a number of other midfielders out injured against one of the best midfield outfits in the AFL.
Four points. They beat the unbeatable team by four fucking points. And all the critics of Paddy Ryder can go and get fucked.
No one gave them a chance, but Carlo Sands tipped them! And all those who took my advice to put their life savings on a Bombers win are grinning now.
Just when you think the good news can't end, there is more.
Yes, arguably the greatest film ever made, Conversation IV: This time it's sensual. A short film on platypuses and goonbags, has broken the 300 views on YouTube barrier!
This groundbreaking short animated film, the fourth in the Conversation series, was co-written and directed with Ben. It is now the most popular Conversation film, with Conversation III:This time its personal on a mere 280 odd views.
They said 300 was impossible! We proved them wrong.
It wasn't easy. It took extremely wide spamming of the clip anywhere we could think of to achieve it. For a while, it looked too daunting. I was forced to turn to Twitter hastags of whatever was trending. "Check out this great clip of #Lord Monkton talking about the climate change fraud!" That sort of thing.
And "#youcantdateme if you don't love this clip! Also, you can't date me coz I'm dead and that would be weird."*
It wasn't easy, but having placed it in every single Facebook group I could find involving goon, we got there in the end.
Now, Ben owes me a freshly ironed pair of underwear for making 300. If we get to 400, Ben owes the world a naked run down King Street.
A groundbreaking and controversial film. The fourth in the much-acclaimed Conversation series is a sometimes disturbing but ultimately warm look at life, love and platypuses. Executive producer Conehead the Barbiturate. All rights reserved Conehead Studios and Laundering Services.
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* This is true. Carlo Sands is dead. It was that Facebook quiz "When will you die?" October 21, 2008. RIP.