Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Legal Reforms And Thieving Playwrights: The Fifth And Final Carlo And Leslie ASIO File Dialogues

Here it is. The fifth and final transcripts of my ASIO files I have received. I live in hope perpetual hope that one day it will be revealed ASIO recorded something, anything I did that was not in a pub with fucking Leslie.

Unfortunately, the last installment features me in a pub with that goddamn cad. Oh well. I publish it here only due to my unfaltering commitment to truth and transperency. You should probably read the others or you'll be totally lost.

* * *


A pub.

[10:01AM, FRIDAY, [REDACTED]. CARLO, WHO HAS BEEN WAITING OUTSIDE THE [REDACTED] HOTEL FOR SOME TIME, IS FINALLY ADMITTED WHEN IT OPENS. A COUPLE OF MINUTES LATER, LESIE JOINS HIM AT A TABLE.]

CARLO: [gulping beer] Christ I needed this!

LESLIE: Court case not going well?

CARLO: Did you know it is actually illegal to kill someone?

LESLIE: I’d heard that.

CARLO: Even if the bastard had it coming?

LESLIE: The nanny state is out of control.

CARLO: That's what is wrong with the modern world! It’s all stick, no carrot! Rather than threatening people with jail, they should reward us if we refrain from slaughtering some goddamn prick who was begging for a machete to the skull!

LESLIE: It’s an interesting idea for reform.

CARLO: Like, well done! You went a whole week without slaughtering a single arsehole! Have some cake! It's your favourite, strawberry cheesecake with cream and chocolate sprinkles!

LESLIE: Have you considered writing to the government about this?

CARLO: OH YET AGAIN IT IS UP TO ME TO COME WITH ALL THE IDEAS! Yet I never get any fucking credit! Like that whole Bill Shakespeare debacle!

LESLIE: You were quite upset when he nicked your stuff.

CARLO: “To be, or not to be, THAT is the question!” My greatest line! No idea what it means, I was smashed when I gave that speech.

LESLIE: Yes, you jumped up on the tavern table and started banging on about slings of fortune and dreams of mortal coils. The scrumpy round Stratford-Upon-Avon was pretty potent in those days. Still, I think Bill’s best steal was that graveyard scene in Hamlet with all those skeletons. You couldn’t accuse him of ripping you off without incriminating yourself! Genius!

CARLO: A talentless hack. Christ, once he read me something he actually wrote himself! Some drivel about some Scottish king. I mean, as if anyone wants to go to the theatre to see a story about a fucking Scotsman! It’s not decent. I assume that play at least bombed and fell into obscurity?

LESLIE: Well asides from being one of the most performed plays ever and on all school curriculums, it's been pretty much totally forgotten.

CARLO: Thank christ! It was horrible, asides from those bits he got me to write with all the murder and bloodshed. Tell me the bit where the Scottish king blows Duncan’s heads off with a hand-held rocket launcher and his brains splatter EVERYWHERE made it to the final cut?

LESLIE: Yeah, that's totally there. I mean a lot of that stuff is taken out or downplayed in the arty stagings coz they say they want to focus on the "human story" and "social relevance".

CARLO: THE HAND-HELD ROCKET LAUNCHER IS TOTALLY SOCIALLY RELEVANT! FUCKING HIPSTERS ARE DESTROYING CLASSIC WORKS OF ART!

LESLIE: To be honest, as a particularly subtle piece of social satire, I fear the nuances of that scene are beyond the average English literature professor.

CARLO: Typical! Still, I have more ideas where they came from! Like my brilliant new idea for a TV show! It’s about this cool guy who drinks all the time and is a total hero and has awesome cheekbones and he goes around killing motherfucking scum and everyone thinks he is GREAT and they make him their overlord and he is called “Carlo”! I think there’s a big market for it.

LESLIE: It ... might work.

CARLO: Of course, it needs dramatic tension and conflict, so there’ll be a character called “Leslie” who hangs around being annoying and getting in the way.

LESLIE: I am assuming this all takes place in a pub?

CARLO: Of course! I can’t save the world while SOBER! Christ. Speaking of which...

LESLIE: Actually, it’s your shout.

CARLO: What? MY shout??? Jesus christ. Moralistic judges, thieving playwrights and now SOME PRICK expecting ME to buy beer! FUCK THIS! [stands up] I'M ACTUALLY GOING HOME NOW!

LESLIE: I guess we have been here a while.

CARLO: But....[starts to fall and steadies himself on the table] ... maybe ONE more whiskey.

LESLIE: I guess one more couldn't hurt...

[THE REMAINDER OF THIS TRANSCRIPT APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN DELIBERATELY DESTROYED. INVESTIGATIONS REVEAL THE [REDACTED] HOTEL NO LONGER EXISTS AND ALL REFERENCES TO ITS FATE ARE HIGHLY CLASSIFIED.]


‘You'd better hope and pray that you make it safe...back to your own world!’ Shakespear’s Sister’s hit single ‘Stay’ is *yet another* example of artists ripping off Carlo Sands. 

The soundtrack to the five installments can be heard as a YouTube playlist because of course it can.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Whiskey, Duels To The Death, Abs And Bushranging: The Carlo And Leslie ASIO File Dialogues Pt 4

Well, I finally got my fourth installment of my ASIO files today. Once more it appears to me sitting in a pub with Leslie. This is getting ridiculous, I swear I’ve done other things in recent years.

Anyway, you probably need to read the first three installments coz otherwise you'll be totally lost as this series is a really complex, with many characters whose stories intertwine as the tale unfolds and features lots of plot twists and you wouldn't want to be lost because then what would you have to talk about tomorrow at work? HUH? Enjoy it because there is only one more to come.

***


A glass of whiskey. In a pub.

[10.47AM, THURSDAY [REDACTED], CARLO AT [REDACTED] HOTEL LOOKING MORE DISHEVELED THAN USUAL AFTER THE REVELRY OF PART THREE. LESLIE JOINS HIM 15 MINUTES LATER.]

LESLIE: [chewing] Hmmm … You know, croissants are awesome. They're basically made of butter, but then you put more butter on them! And you can't put too much on! No matter how much you put on, you can keep adding more! They're like a bardis.

CARLO: That’s nice. I bought you a whiskey. Here, drink this lovely glass of the “water of life” as it translates from Irish!

LESLIE: You… bought me a drink?

CARLO: Yes! I have a stiff whiskey for you right here! Christ man, you don't drink it I will, poison or no... ah... or NO poison as there ISN'T any poison in it! HAHAHA! Just drink the fucking whiskey.

LESLIE: You’re still bitter about this whole “me winning the duel to the death” thing aren’t you?

CARLO: No! Of course not! Jesus! Hell, OK ... thank fuck I’ve accumulated a tolerance to all major poisons over the years … [skulls the whiskey]. That hit the spot.

LESLIE: Where did you even get the money for that whiskey?

CARLO: Oh, I ... borrowed it. By the way you might want to avoid the gents for a bit, it’s a little ... bloody in there.

LESLIE: You know, I’ve put up with a lot over many millennia, but trying to poison a friend is a bit rough.

CARLO: FRIEND? YOU FUCKING BEAT ME IN A DUEL TO THE DEATH!

LESLIE: You know, I’ve actually had people question whether you’re truly dead. It's quite insulting, because it is very poor form to claim victory in a duel on a questionable outcome. If there’s one thing that we both agree on, it’s the need to maintain the fundamental dignity of a duel.

CARLO: And that all duels must be carried out without pants. The two essentials.

LESLIE: Absolutely. What are you doing?

CARLO: What? Just admiring my abs.

LESLIE: You have abs?

CARLO: Of course I do! They’re as hard as a bag of marshmallows! I’ve spent a heaps of other people's money on beer to get them this way. This stomach is a work of art! I’m going into business to sell my secrets to the perfect belly.

LESLIE: You’re advertising now? Implausible testimonials and claims that “you too can achieve these amazing results” by following Dr Sands' exclusive program? No one can possibly believe you can achieve your impressive results without some serious hard work.

CARLO: I don’t offer instant overnight success! I always tell people, you gotta work at it, you gotta constantly be drinking beer, eating crap food, sitting down seven-days-a-week, 52-weeks-a-year, 10-years-a-decade, 10-decades-a-century-or-until-the-liver-fails. Don't expect that you can do it a couple of days and the rest of the week be out there at the gym, eating fucking tofu and necking mineral water! I say “THIS IS SERIOUS! SO GIVE ME YOUR FUCKING MONEY!”

LESLIE: Speaking of daylight robbery, I was just reading an article about old Moondyne Joe. You remember, the bushranger? I’m surprised nobody's made the connection between you and Moondyne. Like, they think he just ended up that insane on his own?

CARLO: Moondyne Joe? Western Australia's best known bushranger?

LESLIE: Yeah.

CARLO: Born poor in Cornwall, became a petty criminal who was transported to Australia in 1852 where he took up bushranging and became famous for his many escapes from jail?

LESLIE: Yeah. Ol' Joey.

CARLO: Never heard of him. [hissing] FOR FUCK’S SAKE THIS IS A PUBLIC PLACE!

LESLIE: Oh, yeah sorry.

CARLO: Anyway, I was on a surfing holiday in Hawaii at the time. [hissing] FUCK man… SHUT UP!

LESLIE: Yes… [starts humming a random tune in a bid to nochalantly change the topic] Hey, have you ever been singing to yourself, and then you get so irritated you call the cops on you to shut yourself up?


CARLO: You’re not drunk enough. Otherwise you'd be pushing yourself shouting “come on you bastard, you know the words COME ON! [singing badly]‘I MET MY LOVE BY THE GASWORKS WALL, DREAMED A DREAM BY THE OLD...’” then you’d pass out. That’s how I do it. Here, I'll show you...


[REST OF FILE REDACTED.]





‘I’ll chop you down, like an old dead tree...’ Fucking poetry! Stay tuned for the final, fifth installment!

So no one wants Reclaim Australia to play their songs. Except for Sydney City Trash...

The list of artists telling the Great Aussie Swastiska-Wearing Patriots of Reclaim Australia to stop playing their music at Reclaim events grows longer by the day.

John "Hey True Blue" Williamson is the latest, joining the likes of Jimmy Barnes, John Farnham, Men at Work, Goanna, Redgum and Midnight Oil.

Or, put another way, almost every artist played by those seeking to "reclaim" this wide, brown land from the halal-certified Sharia Law tyranny we all suffer under. But not all artists, though, are so cowardly in the face of halal Sharia terror. Country star Lee Kernaghan and country punk band Sydney City Trash have bucked the trend.

Kernaghan put out a statement in response to his song "Spirit of the Anzacs" being played that simply asked that "anyone" who uses the song do so with "respect". Sydney City Trash, on the other hand, were moved by the total failure of Reclaim movement to play a single one of their tracks to issue an open letter on their Facebook page on the matter -- complete with a song suggestion:

It has come to our attention that our music has NOT been played at recent 'Reclaim Australia' rallies across the country. We find this disappointing as we specifically wrote a song that we think aligns perfectly with the values of Reclaim. 
Seeing as you can no longer play Barnsey, Midnight Oil, Willow or Shane Howard feel free to take and use this little ditty. Our gift to you. You can play it right after Lee Kernaghan......

And here, loyal readers, is the song in question:



There's this nation they call Down Under
But to me it's top of the worldAnd I love this country so goddamn muchI'd marry it if it were a girlAnd when you talk bad about this nation I loveWell it cuts me deep insideCoz I seriously love, I mean actually loveWell I'm so filly with Aussie pride...

Play the song for the rest of the inspiring lyrics and I challenge you not to be deeply moved by their love for this great country of ours.

Monday, July 27, 2015

A far-right nut tried taking a gun to a Reclaim rally, but don't panic it wasn't a fake plastic sword or anything

When some far-right nutters from the United Patriots Front traveled from Sydney to Melbourne to join the Reclaim Australia march, police -- tipped off by boasts on social media -- searched their bus and confiscated a gun.

But don't panic, it wasn't anything really dangerous like that fake plastic sword seized last September from the home of Mustafa Dirani in the nation's largest ever coordinated anti-terror raids involving 800 armed cops in scenes splashed across the front pages around the country.

I mean, a gun can do a bit of damage, sure, but a plastic sword that "would be found in almost every Shiite household as a decorative item" that "wouldn't be able to cut a cucumber" could still very easily end up as a prop in an amateur theatrical production of Aladdin and frankly the world has seen too many horrors already. We can't be enabling amateur musical theatre in our suburbs.



The sword being removed. Couldn't cut a cucumber, but might be a prop in amateur musical theatre and that's a risk we can't take.


Still... a fucking gun that some fascist was going to take a protest targetting Muslim people and "left-wing extremists" that was likely to feature confrontations with anti-racist protesters... (and a knife was confiscated, and by all reports, it wasn't even plastic, which is just fucking cheating!)

It is pretty serious, which is why the cops confiscated the gun. I mean, sure they didn't even arrest anyone or even stop them going to their protests/Nuremburg Rally reenactments to "reclaim" Australia from the horrific Sharia tyranny we live under.

And sure they didn't carry out raids on the scale that targetted the 21-year-old Dirani on the supposed pretext of an ISIS-inspired plot to "behead a random stranger" (with a plastic sword), despite the fact that Dirani is a fucking Shia Muslim, whom ISIS are killing as infidels thus making as likely to carry out a terror attack coz ISIS told him to as an African American is to burn down a Black Church on KKK instructions.

But still. At least they confiscated the gun. And when you see images like this one below of a far right protester in Melbourne "high-fiving" a cop at the Reclaim rally, after the cops pepper-sprayed the anti-racists... just be fucking thankful at least they confiscated the fucking gun.



Friday, July 24, 2015

On Life Goals, Sacking Jerusalem and Never Conquering Persia: The Carlo And Leslie ASIO File Part 3

OK, this is the third installment of my ASIO files, and I have to admit, but now I was starting to see a certain trend. Apparently the only thing ASIO care about is recording me in some pub with the cad Leslie. FINE! We can only hope the remaining two installments provide us with something of actual interest.

You can read the fucking thing below, though I should warn you should probably read the previous two installments as this is a pretty linear, plot-driven series and you might otherwise get lost.

* * *


A pub.

[10:10AM. WEDNESDAY, [DATE REDACTED]. CARLO MEETS LESLIE AT THE [REDACTED] HOTEL.]

CARLO: I gotta hand it to you. You finally came through with a beer! And it tastes pretty sweet!

LESLIE: Yeah, I found it in the hand of this passed-out guy in the beer garden. It was pretty much full too, just had to wipe a bit of his vomit off.

CARLO: Well... cheers!

[Two glasses are clinked]

CARLO: I still haven’t forgiven you though.

LESLIE: [sipping beer] Hmmm?

CARLO: You know why.

LESLIE: What?

CARLO: YOU FUCKING BEAT ME IN A DUEL TO THE DEATH! I AM NOW DEAD!

LESLIE: You're still going on about that? You challenged me to a duel to the death because I had “insulted your honour” by failing to buy you another beer, declaring that you “demanded satisfaction”.

CARLO: My reputation as a gentleman was at stake!

LESLIE: So I chose aging as my weapon. State of your liver’s so bad, you can barely drink a ginger beer without falling over.

CARLO: And it was with such innocence I took that Facebook quiz “When will you die”! I still remember the result... October 21, 2008. It was only when you OH-SO-HELPFULLY pointed out it was already 2009 that the truth struck me... I was dead!

LESLIE: How do you think I felt? Being the slayer of Carlo Sands after all those millennia, when so many angry mobs and enraged bartenders had failed! Every cowboy in the known universe wants a crack at me! I had three assassination attempts on the walk here just this morning! Luckily, those Tai Kwon Do lessons have proven handy.

CARLO: YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE YOU MURDERED ME WITH A FACEBOOK QUIZ! Jesus. Now my beer's empty. Just coz I’m dead doesn’t mean I am NOT THIRSTY!

LESLIE: I’m right ahead of you. I saved you this one from the table next to the passed out guy. This bloke had actually thrown up right into the schooner, but I borrowed a sift from the pub kitchen and I think I got all the chunks out.

CARLO: Ah! You’re alright! You might be a murdering bastard, but this beer is going down gre... [chokes loudly] AARGH!

LESLIE: Sorry, must have missed a bit.

CARLO: [coughs it out] I hate pineapple!

LESLIE: I know you are upset at being dead...

CARLO: The hangovers are even worse!

LESLIE: … but just think of what you achieved with your life! The discovery of fermented fruit, the invention of human sacrifice, the sack of Jerusalem ...

CARLO: Twice!

LESLIE: Three times. That was you with the Assyrians, wasn’t it? 8th century BC?

CARLO: Oh yeah, I had forgotten that one. I was pretty drunk.

LESLIE: And of course the Black Death!

CARLO: Ha! My most successful practical joke.

LESLIE: A third of Europe dead! Your proudest moment.

CARLO: I suppose I did achieve a few things. But I never conquered Persia!

LESLIE: Not the Alexander the Great thing again...

CARLO: The bastard left without me!

LESLIE: He couldn’t get you out the pub when it was time to go!

CARLO: It was happy hour! And that pub band was going off! Still I have to say, their version of “Dirty Old Town” was pretty shit. I kept shouting at them to play that poetic yet gritty take on life in a post-war northern English industrial town... but they just kept saying “It’s the 4th Century BC, what the fuck’s a gas works wall?” I had to put my machete right into their faces and scream “PLAY IT YOU PRICKS!”

LESLIE: Brave effort, though. And Alexander got his come-uppence. You never told me how you ended up in Babylon that night, but I'd recognise your handiwork anywhere.

CARLO: I guess you’re right. I have achieved a lot! Come on, you murderous bastard, another drink to celebrate!

LESLIE: I suppose one more couldn’t hurt.

[FROM THIS POINT ON, NO FURTHER CLEAR DIALOGUE CAN BE DISCERNED FROM THE RECORDINGS. AT ONE POINT, IT APPEARS THEY COULD BE ATTEMPTING TO SING THE IRISH FOLK BALLAD “THE FIELDS OF ATHENRYE”, OR POSSIBLY SOMEONE IS ASSAULTING A POSSUM.]



‘Against the famine and the Crown, I rebelled, they cut me down...' It is unclear if this was what the ASIO transcript captured or if a marsupial was being tortured. Stay tuned for more!

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

On Redheads, Cycling And The Welsh: The Carlo And Leslie ASIO File Part 2


Yes it is what you have ALL been waiting for, without consciously knowing you were -- I have received the SECOND installment of my ASIO files, which I dutifully publish below, believing, as I do, in the principle of full transparency.

You should read the FIRST post on this, otherwise you simply won't have any clue what is going on. It follows directly on and it seems to me these security pricks have some sort of fetish with recording me in a pub with a bastard called "Leslie". Christ only knows why.

* * *


A pub.

[10.12AM, TUESDAY [DATE REDACTED] CARLO ARRIVES AGAIN AT THE [REDACTED] HOTEL JUST AFTER OPENING AND SITS WITH LESLIE AND STARTS DRINKING.]

CARLO: [sighs] Jesus.

LESLIE: Legal system bringing you down?

CARLO: Did you know they make you wear pants in court?

LESLIE: So I hear.

CARLO: Fucking fascism.

LESLIE: Your court case. It’s not the “killing redheads” thing again is it?

CARLO: Oh, no.

LESLIE: Coz they can’t usually survive in the environs north of Melbourne any way. And those redheads that do make it to adulthood have to stay indoors and move about through sewers.

CARLO: Sure that’s not vampires?

LESLIE: No, they are similar only vampires are more fundamentally moral. I should know, my own brother is beset with the redhead malady so I’ve always had to stay sharp and keep on top of their behaviours.

CARLO: YOU’RE RELATED TO ONE???

LESLIE: Yeah. So there's the whole thing where I carry the abomination in my blood too, but refuse to succumb. Like Blade.

CARLO: That’s some heavy shit, man. It’s such a controversial topic. Did you know some people actually consider it racist to kill a redhead?

LESLIE: That’s political correctness gone mad.

CARLO: I won't even kill them these days. It’s an OHS thing. You get all that infected blood on you and it takes forever to scrub off. It’s not like normal blood, it clings to the skin, like a worse-smalling napalm. I tell local councils they gotta do their own cleansing operations.

LESLIE: Fair enough too. Shit, what’s the time? I gotta get home to watch the Tour de France.

CARLO: The WHAT???

LESLIE: The cycling.

[pause]

CARLO: I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO NEVER MENTION THAT TWO-WHEELED DEVIL SPORT EVER AGAIN!

LESLIE: Yeah but that’s only coz you still can’t do it.

CARLO: I TOOK ALL THE SAME DRUGS AS LANCE ARMSTRONG! ALL THAT HAPPENED WAS I FELL OFF MY BIKE!

LESLIE: You shouldn’t have mixed it with all that red wine.

CARLO: That is where I usually go wrong with drugs. The point is WHERE IS MY BEER? YESTERDAY YOU PROMISED ME A FUCKING BEER!

LESLIE: Yeah, but ... the thing is..

CARLO: WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?

LESLIE: I’m broke. I can’t afford beer. I just said that to shut you up. Now I really gotta get home for the cycling...

CARLO: THIS IS JUST LIKE THE SIEGE OF TROY ALL OVER AGAIN!!!

LESLIE: No, come on … the siege of Troy is a very sensitive issue for me.

CARLO: Oh “come on Carlo, go invade Troy!” you said. “There is this girl named Helen held captive and she is the most beautiful woman ever,” you said. “I swear she's the one! Please Carlo, go and liberate her and I’ll BUY YOU A BEER!” you said. DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO BUILD THAT GIANT WOODEN HORSE!

LESLIE: Yeah well, I couldn’t have known she’d go running back to Menelaus. Never seemed a happy marriage. Still, it really didn’t help that the few times I got Helen alone, you invariably burst in shouting “where is my fucking beer!”

CARLO: What a great question! WHERE IS MY FUCKING BEER, RICHMOND?!

LESLIE: I was depressed by the Helen thing! It was a hard time for me! I dedicated myself to wearing black and listening to The Smiths, but black wasn't in fashion and The Smiths weren’t invented until 1983. It was a really hard few thousand years.

CARLO: WHERE. THE FUCK. IS. MY. BEER.

LESLIE: I can’t afford it.

CARLO: YOU LIED TO ME AGAIN!

LESLIE: How about tomorrow?

CARLO: Tomorrow?

LESLIE: Yeah, meet me here tomorrow and I’ll definitely buy you a beer.

CARLO: You’ll DEFINITELY buy me a beer tomorrow?

LESLIE: Absolutely. I'm off to watch the cycling. You coming?

CARLO: No, I think I’ll stay here, wait till that bastard at the next table turns his back, then nick his beer.

[LESLIE LEAVES. CARLO SPENDS THE REST OF THE DAY STEALING OTHER PEOPLE’S BEERS WHEN THEY ARE NOT LOOKING AND EVENTUALLY GETS THROWN OUT FOR A DRUNKEN RENDITION OF “DIRTY OLD TOWN”.]




'I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour...' He's singin' Leslie's song. STAY TUNED FOR MORE!

The Carlo and Leslie Dialogues: ASIO Transcripts Part 1

Now, everyone knows I'm a pretty important guy. Few things happen in the world of politics, high finance or pub trivia without Carlo Sands being consulted. So it struck me there could be no doubt those Pricks Who Govern Us would be monitoring my every move.

I've been thinking for some time of finally writing my much-anticipated memoirs, but then I figured… that’s a lot of work, why not just publish what these pricks have already recorded? And so I sent away for my ASIO file and received the answer: “TOP SECRET HIGHLY CLASSIFIED UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES TO BE RELEASED.”

This was perhaps to be expected, so I sent a text to an “associate” of mine who happens to hold a certain high up position within the Australian intelligence establishment in order to remind him of certain… favours I happen to render our American allies in 1971 in Laos during the Indochina war that should they… emerge... could prove a little unfortunate for more than one high profile figures in several countries.

The first installment of my files arrived in my inbox within the hour.

I poured over it and was a little stunned to discover it appears to consist of transcribed recordings of me in a pub… with the cad Leslie! Now the pub is unsurprising, but Leslie of all people? After what that cad did?

I guess they record everything and so this rare and bizarre occurrence got picked up with all the important things I do, which future files will no doubt reveal.

I was a bit disappointed, but as the alternative was to sit down and write my own fucking story myself, I have decided to publish the transcripts. This is the first of five installments. STAY TUNED FOR MORE! OR DON'T! I DON'T GIVE A FUCK I AM TOO IMPORTANT TO CARE!

* * *



A pub.
div>
[10:05AM, MONDAY [DATE REDACTED], TARGET CARLO SANDS MEETS TARGET LESLIE RICHMOND AT THE [REDACTED] HOTEL AT OPENING TIME. THEY START DRINKING BEER.]

CARLO: You know what?

LESLIE: What?

CARLO: I like beer.

LESLIE: You are a big fan of beer.

CARLO: But there's times when I think about ALL the beer I’ve drunk over all those years...

LESLIE: All throughout history.

CARLO: Over many millennia… and I think that if I had all that money I spent on all that beer … just imagine how much beer I could buy!

LESLIE: Quite a lot, definitely. Even taking into account inflation and rises in alcohol taxes, that's still a large amount of beer you could purchase.

CARLO: A fucking shitload.

LESLIE: It's the sort of figure that puts the otherwise disturbing global debt figures into context, for sure.

CARLO: I’d be set for years!

LESLIE: You could finally stop harassing other people to buy you beer all the time.

CARLO: Oh no! Just coz I’d be rich would be no reason to give up my favourite pastime!

LESLIE: It's caused you problems, though. Remember when you kept badgering Genghis Khan to buy you a beer? I don’t mind running, but an enraged Mongol horde gets up quite a head of speed.

CARLO: The man had no vision! I tried to tell him! All of this conquering and subjugating and establishing the largest contiguous land empire in human history stretching right across Asia into Central Europe, that’s one thing! But you want to think big! “Genghis,” I said, “you wanna invade and subjugate New Zealand! In about 800 years, they’ll make the Lord of the Rings films there and just think how rich you'll be with the royalties!”

LESLIE: He just kept repeating, “what’s New Zealand?” He never understood your strategic genius.

CARLO: AND THE BASTARD NEVER BOUGHT ME A FUCKING BEER!

LESLIE: In his defence, he also repeatedly said “what the hell is a pint of Guinness”?

CARLO: A MAN CAN NOT LIVE ON FERMENTED HORSE’S MILK ALONE! Now it has all come flooding back. Jesus. My machete-wielding arm is twitching. LET’S INVADE CENTRAL EUROPE!

LESLIE: No, come on. Not after the last disaster. Have another beer. You like beer.

CARLO: Yeah. Beer's nice.

LESLIE: Yeah. Have another.

CARLO: Yeah. So... can you buy me a beer?

LESLIE: [sigh] Why don’t you just do what you normally do? Wait till the guy at the next table turns his back, then nick his?

CARLO: It’s such a hassle! The bastards complain and there’s an argument and I have to get my machete out and then there’s a body to dispose of and it’s no longer in just one easy-to-move part, and I hate to piss off bartenders so JUST BUY ME A BEER, YOU BASTARD!

LESLIE: Ok. Look. I’ll buy you a beer, just promise we’ll definitely stay out of Central Europe?

CARLO: Well, ok, if you’ll buy me a … [Phone rings] Hang on. [Answers] Hello? WHAT THE FUCK? GO SCREW YOURSELF YOU USELESS MAGGOT-RIDDEN PILE OF FERMENTED RHINO SHIT! I’LL CHOP YOU INTO A THOUSAND PIECES AND FEED YOU TO YOUR OWN PRIZED COLLECTION OF RARE, ENDANGERED SPOTTED BUG-EYED PIRANHAS! What? Yep. Yeah, sure thing. No worries. Cool. I’ll see you there.

LESLIE: Who’s that?

CARLO: My lawyer. Reminding me I am due in court. I better get going … I have to find some rich guy and steal his suit.

[REST OF FILE REDACTED]




'I like drinking on a Monday morning...' STAY TUNED FOR MORE!

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

DEATH! A poem. About the Greek crisis.

Hello loyal reader (the singular is not accidental)!!! Not many people know this, but I am famous for my poetry. You might say it is a contradiction in terms to be famous for something not many people know about but THAT JUST SHOWS HOW LITTLE YOU KNOW!!! Despite the blatant conspiracy against me by the Nobel Prize for Literature, and by the entire poetry establishment (I am hated by Big Poetry) and by all other mediums, outlets and well anything at all asides from this blog... my Fame nonetheless grows.

Now in my spare time I like to torture myself by editing Green Left Weekly's cultural dissent section and looking at poetry submissions (I refuse to abuse my position by running my own works, despite many requests and even furious demands I do so, for I have principles).

And while I will not deny there is a lot of really high quality political poetry out there, and some of it by people who can even rhyme, it got me thinking that I don't publish enough of MY OWN poetry which is, of course, SO MUCH BETTER!!! HERE IS A GEM I JUST FINISHED JUST NOW AFTER SLAVING FOR 1.09 MINUTES!!


DEATH! A poem. About the Greek crisis.

I once wrote a poem just for fun
Then sat back and looked at the horror I had done
Did the world really need to hear me rhyme?
No, but they'll get over it, I suppose, in time.
DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH
DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH
DEATH DEATH DEATH!

DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH
DEATH DEATH DEATHITY DEATH DEATH
DEATH DEATH DEATH 
I hate everything but especially those German pricks screwing Greece.


There it is. A work of genius! And YES! I KNOW the last line doesn't rhyme! I KNEW some ignorant pricks would pick up on that, not realising that POEMS DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO RHYME, YEAH? I *know* every other line rhymed in a highly unique AABBCCCCCC format, but it is called "experimenting with the form" and anyway it is an *important social issue* I raised in that last line, which is all the more highlighted by the way that JARS with the rest of the otherwise totally orthodox poetic form. GREECE IS IMPORTANT!

***

Do you want to know MORE about Greece and its current crisis than my poem can teach you? fear not! Tom Waits is on the job! His song "rtaling At the Same time" from his 2011 album Bad As Me, is ALL ABOUT THE CURRENT CRISIS IN GREECE! Yeah some might say it is a song inspired by the effects of the Great Recession in the United States to which Waits has added, as his wont, big dashes of heartache over a relationship ending when the narrator's lover walks out on them  (obviously a reference to Yanis Varoufarkis's resignation as finance minister) BUT REALLY IT IS GREECE! EVERY LINE!!!

Yeah, because "All the news is bad, is there any other kind?" and "All the money is gone" and "Someone makes money when there’s blood in the street" and  "Well we bailed out all the millionaires, they’ve got the fruit, we've got the rind" and MOST OF ALL ( as anyone who has tried to follow the media or just he fucking far left on social media can attest) "Everybody's talking at the same time".

Sing it, Tom.



Talking At The Same Time

Get a job, save your money, listen to Jane
Everybody knows umbrellas will cost more in the rain
All the news is bad
Is there any other kind?
Everybody’s talking at the same time 
Well it’s hard times for some
For others it’s sweet
Someone makes money when there’s blood in the street
Don’t take any lip
Stay in line
Everybody’s talking at the same time 
Well the dog is in the kitchen
And the war drags on
The trees wait by the freeway
All the moneys all gone
Well she told me she would leave me
I ignored all the signs
And now everybody’s talking at the same time
Everybody’s talking at the same time 
Ain’t no one coming to pull you from the mud
You gotta build your nest high enough to ride out the flood
I know you’re leaving and there’s no more next time
Everybody’s talking at the same time 
A tiny boy sat and he played in the sand
He made a sword from a stick
And a gun from his hand
Well we bailed out all the millionaires
They’ve got the fruit
We’ve got the rind
And everybody’s talking at the same time
Everybody’s talking at the same time

Saturday, July 04, 2015

The Daily Carlo: July 4! Yay America! SONGS!!!

Today's Daily Carlo is published on July 4, which was the day in 1776 that the US Declaration of Independence was issued. This was, of course, a great idea at the time so long as you weren't indigenous or Black. Or poor. Or a woman. But all great things must start somewhere.

(Actually it unleashed, as many great historians have detailed, a new struggle between the poor and dispossessed and the new, growing oligarchic elite. And the history of the United States -- from the earliest days till now, is riven with the struggle of the poor, exploited, dispossessed, enslaved, repressed, overworked, underpaid, declared "illegal" downtrodden majority -- and there are great moments, from the radical democracy at the heights of the Reconstruction, drowned in racist terror, to the huge militant strike wave in the 1930s that did much more to lift working people out of misery than any policy of Roosevelt, through to a mass movement that ended a major war and christ knows what else. But that is another story. The true history of the United States is the history of its victims.)

Yah America!



'All we want to do is take these chains off of us...'

Yar well here is a random collection of songs about the US in some form that I happen to like. I tried not to think very hard about it, otherwise this could never be done.




'To hell with your double standards...'




'First kick I took was when I hit the ground...'




'This country is over, they say...'




'And all the news is bad, is there any other kind...' 




'Everybody knows its a hard time, living with the hate and greed...'


TOO DEPRESSING? WELL HAVE SOME STRUGGLE!!! First, one of the big industrial battles from the 30s... a bitter, violent mining strike in 1931 in Harlem County.



'Poor folk aint got a chance unless they organise...'


And now the battles of today! In a  hip hop reworking of the classic...



'I'm for a world without borders and a better tomorrow...'


There you go. Now fuck off and leave me alone and/or put your own suggestions in the comments, I don't care, this beer won't drink itself.