Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Legal Reforms And Thieving Playwrights: The Fifth And Final Carlo And Leslie ASIO File Dialogues

Here it is. The fifth and final transcripts of my ASIO files I have received. I live in hope perpetual hope that one day it will be revealed ASIO recorded something, anything I did that was not in a pub with fucking Leslie.

Unfortunately, the last installment features me in a pub with that goddamn cad. Oh well. I publish it here only due to my unfaltering commitment to truth and transperency. You should probably read the others or you'll be totally lost.

* * *


A pub.

[10:01AM, FRIDAY, [FILE REDACTED]. CARLO SANDS, WHO HAS BEEN WAITING OUTSIDE THE [REDACTED] HOTEL FOR SOME TIME, IS FINALLY ADMITTED WHEN IT OPENS. A COUPLE OF MINUTES LATER, LESIE [REDACTED] JOINS HIM AT A TABLE.]

CARLO: [gulping beer] Christ I needed this!

LESLIE: Tough day eh? Court case not going well?

CARLO: Did you know it is actually illegal to kill someone?

LESLIE: I had heard that.

CARLO: Even if the bastard totally had it coming?

LESLIE: The nanny state is out of control.

CARLO: This is what is wrong with this country! It’s all stick, no carrot! Rather than threatening people with punitive measures, they should reward us if we refrain from slaughtering some goddamn prick who was totally asking for a machete to the skull!

LESLIE: It is an interesting idea for legal reform.

CARLO: Like, well done! You went a whole week without slaughtering a single arsehole, here have some cake! It's your favourite, strawberry cheesecake with cream and chocolate sprinkles! Great effort!

LESLIE: You should probably write to the attorney-general, I suspect this idea has probably never occurred to him.

CARLO: I have to come up with ALL the goddamn ideas! And I never get any fucking credit! Just like that whole Bill Shakespeare debacle!

LESLIE: I do remember you being quite upset when he nicked your material.

CARLO: “To be, or not to be, THAT is the question!” My greatest line! No idea what the fuck it means, I was smashed when I gave that speech.

LESLIE: Yes, you jumped up on the pub table and started banging on about slings of fortune and dreams of mortal coils. The scrumpy round Stratford-Upon-Avon was pretty potent in those days.

CARLO: BUT HOW DID THAT HACK SHAKESPEARE FIND OUT ABOUT IT? That’s what I want to know, Richmond!

LESLIE: Well [coughs] you know what Cheapside was like back then. Always an interesting story to be found for the right coin. But you know, I think Bill’s best steal was that graveyard scene in Hamlet. You having to watch someone playing around with those skeletons in a graveyard and not being able accuse him of ripping it off without incriminating yourself! Genius!

CARLO: A talentless hack. Christ, once he read me something he actually wrote himself! Some drivel about a Scottish king and these three witches. I mean, imagine! As if anyone wants to go to the theatre to see a story about some fucking Scotsman! It’s not decent.

LESLIE: Well, quite.

CARLO: Whatever happened to that play? I assume it bombed and fell into obscurity?

LESLIE: Well asides from being one of the most performed plays ever and on all school curriculums as part of the central cannon, yeah it's been pretty much totally forgotten.

CARLO: Thank christ! I couldn’t stand it! Asides from the bits he got me to write for him involving all the murder and bloodshed. Tell me the bit where the Scottish bastard blows Duncan’s heads off with a hand-held rocket launcher and his brains splatter EVERYWHERE made it to the final cut?

LESLIE: Yeah, that's totally there. I mean a lot of that stuff is taken out or downplayed in the arty stagings coz they say they want to focus on the "human story" and "social relevance".

CARLO: THE HAND-HELD ROCKET LAUNCHER IS TOTALLY SOCIALLY RELEVANT! FUCKING HIPSTERS ARE DESTROYING CLASSIC WORKS OF ART!

LESLIE: I thought you said you hated it?

CARLO: NOT THE SCENES I WROTE! It was a horrifically dull piece of dross to which I added a few touches of genius! Like that bit where Lady Macbeth is sleepwalking and going on about all the blood on her hands she can't wash off ... and then she suddenly spins round, pulls out a machete from under her dress and starts slaughtering everyone while blood spurts wildly across the stage and she shouts: "SO IT'S ONLY FAIR THE REST OF YOU GETS SOME BLOOD ON YOU TOO!!!" I assume that scene is a particular focus of literature studies?

LESLIE: Well, as a particularly subtle piece of social satire, I fear its nuances are beyond the average English professor.

CARLO: Typical! It doesn't matter! I have more ideas where they came from! Like my brilliant new idea for a TV show! It’s about this cool guy who drinks all the time and is a total hero and has awesome cheekbones and he goes around killing motherfucking scum and everyone thinks he is GREAT and they make him their overlord and he is called “Carlo”! I think there’s a big market for it.

LESLIE: Yeah … it might work.

CARLO: Of course, it needs dramatic tension and conflict, so there’ll be a character called “Leslie” who hangs around being annoying and getting in the way.

LESLIE: I am assuming this all takes place in a pub?

CARLO: Of course! I can’t save the GODDAMN WORLD SOBER! Christ. Speaking of which...

LESLIE: Actually, it’s your shout.

CARLO: What? My shout??? Jesus christ .. Moralistic judges, thieving playwrights and now some prick expecting me to buy beer! FUCK THIS, it’s time for pear cider!

LESLIE: Well I suppose one couldn't hurt...

[THE REMAINDER OF THIS TRANSCRIPT APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN DELIBERTELY DESTROYED. INVESTIGATIONS REVEAL THE [REDACTED] HOTEL NO LONGER EXISTS AND ALL REFERENCES TO ITS FATE ARE HIGHLY CLASSIFIED.]




‘You'd better hope and pray that you make it safe...back to your own world!’ Shakespear’s Sister’s hit single ‘Stay’ is *yet another* example of artists ripping off Carlo Sands. 

The soundtrack to the five installments can be heard as a YouTube playlist because of course it can.

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