Friday, July 24, 2015

On The Sorry State Of Irish Folk Music In Ancient Greece: The Carlo And Leslie ASIO File Part 3

OK, this is the third installment of my ASIO files, and I have to admit, but now I was starting to see a certain trend. Apparently the only thing ASIO care about is recording me in some pub with the cad Leslie. FINE! We can only hope the remaining two installments provide us with something of actual interest.

You can read the fucking thing below, though I should warn you should probably read the previous two installments as this is a pretty linear, plot-driven series and you might otherwise get lost.

* * *


A pub.

[10:10AM. WEDNESDAY, [DATE REDACTED]. CARLO SANDS MEETS LESLIE [REDACTED] AT THE [REDACTED] HOTEL.]

CARLO: Ah, I gotta hand it to you. You finally came through with a beer! And it tastes pretty sweet!

LESLIE: Yeah, I found it in the hand of this passed-out guy in the beer garden. It was pretty much full too, just had to wipe a bit of his vomit away and it was more or less fine.

CARLO: Well... cheers!

[Two glasses are clinked]

CARLO: I still haven’t forgiven you though.

LESLIE: [sipping beer] Hmmm?

CARLO: You know why.

LESLIE: What?

CARLO: YOU FUCKING BEAT ME IN A DUEL TO THE DEATH! I AM DEAD NOW, YOU BASTARD!

LESLIE: Are you still going on about that? You challenged me to a duel to the death over some wild claim I had “insulted your honour” by failing to buy you another beer and then you stood up a declared to all and sundry in the pub that you “demanded satisfaction”.

CARLO: My reputation as a gentleman was at stake!

LESLIE: And so I chose aging as my weapon. State of your liver’s so bad, you can barely drink a ginger beer without falling over.

CARLO: And it was with such innocence I took that Facebook quiz “When will you die”! I still remember the result... October 21, 2008. It was only when you OH-SO-HELPFULLY pointed out it was already 2009 that the truth struck me... I was dead!

LESLIE: How do you think I felt? Being the slayer of Carlo Sands after all those millennia, when so many great assassins, angry mobs and enraged bartenders had failed before me! Every rogue cowboy in the known universe now wants a crack at me. I had three assassination attempts on the walk here just this morning! Luckily, those Tai Kwon Do lessons have proven handy.

CARLO: YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE YOU BEAT ME IN A DUEL TO THE DEATH! Jesus. Now my beer's empty. Just coz I’m dead doesn’t mean I am NOT THIRSTY, YOU BASTARD!

LESLIE: I’m right ahead of you. I saved you this one from the table next to the passed out guy. This bloke had actually thrown up right into the schooner, but I brought a sift from home. I think I got all the chunks out.

CARLO: Ah! You’re alright! You might be a murdering bastard, but this beer is going down gre... [chokes loudly] AARGH!

LESLIE: Sorry, guess I missed a bit.

CARLO: [coughs it out] Argh! I hate pineapple!

LESLIE: I know you are upset at being dead...

CARLO: The hangovers are even worse!

LESLIE: … but just think of what you achieved with your life! The discovery of fermented fruit, the invention of human sacrifice, the sack of Jerusalem ...

CARLO: Twice!

LESLIE: Three times. That was you with the Assyrians, wasn’t it? 8th century BC?

CARLO: Oh yeah, I had forgotten that one. I was pretty drunk.

LESLIE: And of course the Black Death!

CARLO: Ha! Yeah, that was definitely my most successful practical joke.

LESLIE: A third of Europe dead! Your proudest moment.

CARLO: I suppose I did achieve a few things. But I never got to conquer Persia!

LESLIE: Not the Alexander the Great thing again...

CARLO: The bastard left without me!

LESLIE: He couldn’t get you out the pub when it was time to go!

CARLO: It was happy hour! They had $5 pints of Guinness! And the band was playing a killer version of “Dirty Old Town”. [sings badly] “I’ll chop you down, like an old dead tree...” Fucking poetry.

LESLIE: Yes. You made that point on the night. Loudly. While jumping on the table, waving your machete around and demanding everyone else join in.

CARLO: But their version of The Dubliners’ “Rare Auld Times” was shit! I had to keep shouting at them to get them to play that bittersweet, melancholic lament to the gentrification of Dublin in the 20th Century... but they just pleaded that the first known settlement of any kind in general Dublin area was still 500 years away... I had to put my machete right into their faces and scream “PLAY IT YOU PRICKS!”

LESLIE: Brave effort, though.

CARLO: It was so hard to find a decent Irish pub in those days. I tried to raise the matter with Alexander, but all that Macedonian bastard could think about was how much of the Known World he'd occupied!

LESLIE: He got his come-uppence, though. You never told me how you ended up in Babylon that night, or where you found that strychnine to poison his wine.

CARLO: Well I guess you’re right. I have achieved a lot! Come on, you murderous bastard, another drink to celebrate!

LESLIE: Well... I suppose one more couldn’t hurt.

[FROM THIS POINT ON, NO FURTHER CLEAR DIALOGUE CAN BE DISCERNED FROM THE RECORDINGS. AT ONE POINT, IT APPEARS THEY COULD BE ATTEMPTING TO SING THE IRISH FOLK BALLAD “THE FIELDS OF ATHENRYE”, OR POSSIBLY SOMEONE IS ASSAULTING A POSSUM, IT IS NOT CLEAR.]




‘I remember Dublin City, in the rare old times...’ The Dubliners’ provide a clear example of how you are MEANT to perform Pete St. John’s classic tale of the gentrification of Dublin. Stay tuned for more!

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