I've been thinking for some time of finally writing my much-anticipated memoirs, but then I figured… that’s a lot of work, why not just publish what these pricks have already recorded? And so I sent away for my ASIO file and received the answer: “TOP SECRET HIGHLY CLASSIFIED UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES TO BE RELEASED.”
This was perhaps to be expected, so I sent a text to an “associate” of mine who happens to hold a certain high up position within the Australian intelligence establishment in order to remind him of certain… favours I happen to render our American allies in 1971 in Laos during the Indochina war that should they… emerge... could prove a little unfortunate for more than one high profile figures in several countries.
The first installment of my files arrived in my inbox within the hour.
I poured over it and was a little stunned to discover it appears to consist of transcribed recordings of me in a pub… with the cad Leslie! Now the pub is unsurprising, but Leslie of all people? After what that cad did?
I guess they record everything and so this rare and bizarre occurrence got picked up with all the important things I do, which future files will no doubt reveal.
I was a bit disappointed, but as the alternative was to sit down and write my own fucking story myself, I have decided to publish the transcripts. This is the first of five installments. STAY TUNED FOR MORE! OR DON'T! I DON'T GIVE A FUCK I AM TOO IMPORTANT TO CARE!
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[10:05AM, MONDAY [DATE REDACTED], TARGET CARLO SANDS MEETS LESLIE [REDACTED] AT THE [REDACTED] HOTEL AT OPENING TIME. THEY START DRINKING BEER.]
CARLO: You know what?
CARLO: I like beer.
LESLIE: I know you like beer. You are a big fan of beer.
CARLO: But, still, there's times when I think about ALL the beer I’ve drunk over ALL those years...
LESLIE: All throughout history.
CARLO: Over many millennia… and I think that if I had all that money I spent on all that beer … I mean just imagine how much beer I could buy!
LESLIE: Quite a lot of beer, definitely. Even taking into account inflation and rises in alcohol taxes, that is still quite a large amount of beer you’d have the purchasing power to access.
CARLO: A fucking shitload.
LESLIE: It's the sort of figure that puts the Greek debt crisis into context, for sure.
CARLO: I’d be set for years!
LESLIE: You could finally stop harassing other people to buy you beer all the time.
CARLO: Oh no! Just coz I’d be rich would be no reason to give up my favourite pastime!
LESLIE: It has caused you problems before, though. Remember when you kept badgering Genghis Khan to buy you a beer? I don’t mind running, but an enraged Mongol horde gets up quite a head of speed.
CARLO: That man had no vision! I tried to tell him! All of this conquering and subjugating and establishing the largest contiguous land empire in human history stretching right across Asia into Eastern Europe, that’s one thing! But you want to think big! “Genghis, mate,” I said, “you wanna go invade and subjugate New Zealand! In about 800 years, they’ll make the Lord of the Rings trilogy and the Hobbit films there and just THINK how rich we’ll be with the royalties!”
LESLIE: I know. He just kept insisting “what’s New Zealand?” He never understood your strategic genius.
CARLO: AND THE BASTARD NEVER BOUGHT ME A FUCKING BEER!
LESLIE: In his defence, he did repeatedly say “what the fuck is a pint of Guinness”?
CARLO: FOR CHRIST’S SAKE! A MAN CAN NOT LIVE ON FERMENTED HORSE’S MILK ALONE! God, now it has all come flooding back. Jesus. My machete-wielding arm is twitching. LET’S INVADE CENTRAL ASIA!
LESLIE: No, come on. Last time you tried that, you inspired a brand new geopolitical “syndrome” and a line in The Princess Bride. Have another beer. You like beer.
CARLO: Yeah. Beer is nice.
LESLIE: Yeah. Have another.
CARLO: Yeah. So... can you buy me a beer?
LESLIE: [sigh] Why don’t you just do what you normally do? Wait till the guy at the next table turns his back, then nick his beer?
CARLO: It’s such a hassle! The bastards complain and then there’s an argument and I have to get my machete out and then there’s a body to dispose of and it’s no longer in just ONE easy-to-move part, and there’s blood everywhere and I hate to piss off bartenders so JUST BUY ME A BEER, YOU BASTARD!
LESLIE: See, this is exactly how the 100 Years War started. You just can’t let the matter of a beer go.
CARLO: King Edward III NICKED MY FUCKING VB! Also, that throne was mine! But mostly it was that party where that Plantagenet prick drank my beer!
LESLIE: See, I knew it had to be something like that, coz you always hated the French. If you fought for them for 116 years, it had to have been over something important. It does explain why they nearly lost, though.
CARLO: What do you mean?
LESLIE: No one has ever doubted your commitment to a battle, but an inflexible strategic approach to all military skirmishes that involves running screaming “I’LL KILL YOU FROG BASTARDS” right at enemy lines was probably likely to be even less successful than usual when your main allies were an admittedly unsteady and changing alliance drawn from the French nobility.
CARLO: Yeah, but I always screamed it in English. That way none of those frog bastards in the English court had a clue what I said. [pause] Hey!
CARLO: We don’t we go invade France! Seriously, it’s been DECADES since anyone’s had a decent crack! Sometimes I swear this world’s lost its sense of adventure.
LESLIE: No, not France again. Please. Look, I’ll buy you a beer, just promise we’ll stay out of France?
CARLO: Well, ok, if you’ll buy me a … [Phone rings] Hang on. [Answers] Hello? WHAT THE FUCK? GO SCREW YOURSELF YOU USELESS ARSEHOLE! YOU MAGGOT-RIDDEN PILE OF FERMENTED RHINO SHIT! I’LL CHOP YOU INTO A THOUSAND PIECES AND FEED YOU TO YOUR OWN PRIZED COLLECTION OF RARE, ENDANGERED SPOTTED BUG-EYED PIRANHAS! What? Yep. Yeah, sure thing. No worries. Cool. I’ll see you there.
LESLIE: Who’s that?
CARLO: My lawyer. Reminding me I am due in court. Shit, I better go … I have to find some rich prick and steal his suit.
[REST OF FILE REDACTED]
'I like drinking on a Monday morning...' STAY TUNED FOR MORE!