Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Legal Reforms And Thieving Playwrights: The Fifth And Final Carlo And Leslie ASIO File Dialogues

Here it is. The fifth and final transcripts of my ASIO files I have received. I live in hope perpetual hope that one day it will be revealed ASIO recorded something, anything I did that was not in a pub with fucking Leslie.

Unfortunately, the last installment features me in a pub with that goddamn cad. Oh well. I publish it here only due to my unfaltering commitment to truth and transperency. You should probably read the others or you'll be totally lost.

* * *


A pub.

[10:01AM, FRIDAY, [FILE REDACTED]. CARLO SANDS, WHO HAS BEEN WAITING OUTSIDE THE [REDACTED] HOTEL FOR SOME TIME, IS FINALLY ADMITTED WHEN IT OPENS. A COUPLE OF MINUTES LATER, LESIE [REDACTED] JOINS HIM AT A TABLE.]

CARLO: [gulping beer] Christ I needed this!

LESLIE: Tough day eh? Court case not going well?

CARLO: Did you know it is actually illegal to kill someone?

LESLIE: I had heard that.

CARLO: Even if the bastard totally had it coming?

LESLIE: The nanny state is out of control.

CARLO: This is what is wrong with this country! It’s all stick, no carrot! Rather than threatening people with punitive measures, they should reward us if we refrain from slaughtering some goddamn prick who was totally asking for a machete to the skull!

LESLIE: It is an interesting idea for legal reform.

CARLO: Like, well done! You went a whole week without slaughtering a single arsehole, here have some cake! It's your favourite, strawberry cheesecake with cream and chocolate sprinkles! Great effort!

LESLIE: You should probably write to the attorney-general, I suspect this idea has probably never occurred to him.

CARLO: I have to come up with ALL the goddamn ideas! And I never get any fucking credit! Just like that whole Bill Shakespeare debacle!

LESLIE: I do remember you being quite upset when he nicked your material.

CARLO: “To be, or not to be, THAT is the question!” My greatest line! No idea what the fuck it means, I was smashed when I gave that speech.

LESLIE: Yes, you jumped up on the pub table and started banging on about slings of fortune and dreams of mortal coils. The scrumpy round Stratford-Upon-Avon was pretty potent in those days.

CARLO: BUT HOW DID THAT HACK SHAKESPEARE FIND OUT ABOUT IT? That’s what I want to know, Richmond!

LESLIE: Well [coughs] you know what Cheapside was like back then. Always an interesting story to be found for the right coin. But you know, I think Bill’s best steal was that graveyard scene in Hamlet. You having to watch someone playing around with those skeletons in a graveyard and not being able accuse him of ripping it off without incriminating yourself! Genius!

CARLO: A talentless hack. Christ, once he read me something he actually wrote himself! Some drivel about a Scottish king and these three witches. I mean, imagine! As if anyone wants to go to the theatre to see a story about some fucking Scotsman! It’s not decent.

LESLIE: Well, quite.

CARLO: Whatever happened to that play? I assume it bombed and fell into obscurity?

LESLIE: Well asides from being one of the most performed plays ever and on all school curriculums as part of the central cannon, yeah it's been pretty much totally forgotten.

CARLO: Thank christ! I couldn’t stand it! Asides from the bits he got me to write for him involving all the murder and bloodshed. Tell me the bit where the Scottish bastard blows Duncan’s heads off with a hand-held rocket launcher and his brains splatter EVERYWHERE made it to the final cut?

LESLIE: Yeah, that's totally there. I mean a lot of that stuff is taken out or downplayed in the arty stagings coz they say they want to focus on the "human story" and "social relevance".

CARLO: THE HAND-HELD ROCKET LAUNCHER IS TOTALLY SOCIALLY RELEVANT! FUCKING HIPSTERS ARE DESTROYING CLASSIC WORKS OF ART!

LESLIE: I thought you said you hated it?

CARLO: NOT THE SCENES I WROTE! It was a horrifically dull piece of dross to which I added a few touches of genius! Like that bit where Lady Macbeth is sleepwalking and going on about all the blood on her hands she can't wash off ... and then she suddenly spins round, pulls out a machete from under her dress and starts slaughtering everyone while blood spurts wildly across the stage and she shouts: "SO IT'S ONLY FAIR THE REST OF YOU GETS SOME BLOOD ON YOU TOO!!!" I assume that scene is a particular focus of literature studies?

LESLIE: Well, as a particularly subtle piece of social satire, I fear its nuances are beyond the average English professor.

CARLO: Typical! It doesn't matter! I have more ideas where they came from! Like my brilliant new idea for a TV show! It’s about this cool guy who drinks all the time and is a total hero and has awesome cheekbones and he goes around killing motherfucking scum and everyone thinks he is GREAT and they make him their overlord and he is called “Carlo”! I think there’s a big market for it.

LESLIE: Yeah … it might work.

CARLO: Of course, it needs dramatic tension and conflict, so there’ll be a character called “Leslie” who hangs around being annoying and getting in the way.

LESLIE: I am assuming this all takes place in a pub?

CARLO: Of course! I can’t save the GODDAMN WORLD SOBER! Christ. Speaking of which...

LESLIE: Actually, it’s your shout.

CARLO: What? My shout??? Jesus christ .. Moralistic judges, thieving playwrights and now some prick expecting me to buy beer! FUCK THIS, it’s time for pear cider!

LESLIE: Well I suppose one couldn't hurt...

[THE REMAINDER OF THIS TRANSCRIPT APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN DELIBERTELY DESTROYED. INVESTIGATIONS REVEAL THE [REDACTED] HOTEL NO LONGER EXISTSAND ALL REFERENCES TO ITS FATE  HIGHLY CLASSIFIED.]




‘You'd better hope and pray that you make it safe...back to your own world!’ Shakespear’s Sister’s hit single ‘Stay’ is *yet another* example of artists ripping off Carlo Sands. 

The soundtrack to the five installments can be heard as a YouTube playlist because of course it can.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Whiskey, Duels To The Death, Abs And Bushranging: The Carlo And Leslie ASIO File Dialogues Pt 4

Well, I finally got my fourth installment of my ASIO files today. Once more it appears to me sitting in a pub with Leslie. This is getting ridiculous, I swear I’ve done other things in recent years.

Anyway, you probably need to read the first three installments coz otherwise you'll be totally lost as this series is a really complex,  with many characters whose stories intertwine as the tale unfolds and features lots of plot twits and you wouldn't want to be lost because then what would you have to talk about tomorrow at work around the water cooler? HUH? Enjoy it because there is only one more to come.

***


A glass of whiskey. In a pub.


[10.47AM, THURSDAY [REDACTED], CARLO SANDS ARRIVES AT [REDACTED] HOTEL LOOKING MORE DISHEVELED THAN USUAL AFTER THE REVELRY OF PART THREE. LESLIE [REDACTED] JOINS HIM 15 MINUTES LATER.]

LESLIE: [chewing] Hmmm … You know, croissants are awesome. They're basically made of butter, but then you're meant to put more butter on them! And you can't put too much on! No matter how much you put on, you can keep adding more! They're like a bardis.

CARLO: That’s nice. I bought you a whiskey. Here, why don’t you drink this lovely glass of whiskey I got you?

LESLIE: You… bought me a drink?

CARLO: Yes! I have a stiff whiskey for you right here! Christ man, you don't drink it I will, poison or no... ah... or NO poison as there ISN'T any poison in it! HAHAHA! Just drink the fucking whiskey.

LESLIE: You’re still bitter about this whole “me winning the duel to the death” thing aren’t you?

CARLO: No! Of course not! Jesus! Hell, OK ... thank fuck I’ve accumulated a tolerance to all major poisons over the years … [skulls the whiskey]. That hit the spot.

LESLIE: Where did you even get the money for that whiskey?

CARLO: Oh, I ... borrowed it. By the way you might want to avoid the gents for a bit, it’s a little ... bloody in there.

LESLIE: You know, I’ve put up with a lot over many millennia, but trying to poison a friend is a bit rough.

CARLO: FRIEND? FRIEND??? YOU FUCKING BEAT ME IN A DUEL TO THE DEATH!

LESLIE: Well, OK, maybe more bound together by some cosmic force in punishment for some horrendous sin I committed at an unspecified time that I can’t recall. But, technically, I don’t see why killing someone means you can't be friends with them.

CARLO: That is just typical “deadist” bigotry that reveals your “living privilege”! You alive people have no idea what us dead have to put up with!

LESLIE: You know, I’ve actually had people question whether you are truly dead. It's quite insulting, because it is very poor form to claim victory in a duel on an uncertified or questionable outcome. If there’s one thing that we’ve always both agreed on, it’s the need to maintain the rules and dignity of the duel.

CARLO: And that all duels must be carried out without pants. Those are the two essentials.

LESLIE: Absolutely. What are you doing?

CARLO: What? Just admiring my abs.

LESLIE: You have abs?

CARLO: Of course I do! They’ve the hardness and consistency of a bag of marshmallows! I’ve spent a shitload of other people's money on beer to get them this way. This stomach is a work of art! I’m going into business to sell my secret to the perfect belly.

LESLIE: You’re advertising now? What, like before and after photos? Implausible testimonials and claims that “you too can achieve these amazing results” in x easy steps in just y weeks following Dr Sands' exclusive program?

Carlo: Sure. My rates are cheap. A cartoon of beer a day and another per night.

Leslie: You know, people are quite suspicious of these things that offer incredible results with no effort. No one could actually achieve your impressive results without putting in some serious hard work.

Carlo: I say that! I don't offer instant overnight success! I always tell people, you gotta work at it, you gotta constantly be drinking beer, eating shit food, sitting down seven-days-a-week, 52-weeks-a-year, ten-years-a-decade, ten-decades-a-century-or-until-the-liver-fails. Don't expect that you can do it a couple of days and the rest of the week be out there at the gym, eating fucking tofu and quaffing mineral water! I say “THIS IS SERIOUS! SO GIVE ME YOUR FUCKING MONEY!”

LESLIE: Hmmm. Well, speaking of daylight robbery, you know I was reading an article just the other day about old Moondyne Joe. You remember, the bushranger? I’m surprised nobody's made the connection between you and Moondyne. Like, they think he just ended up that insane on his own?

CARLO: Moondyne Joe? Western Australia's best known bushranger?

LESLIE: Yeah.

CARLO: Born poor in Cornwall and became a petty criminal and robber who was eventually transported to Australia in 1852? Took up bushranging and was repeatedly arrested, becoming famous for his many escapes from jail?

LESLIE: Yeah. Ol' Joey.

CARLO: Never heard of him. [hissing] FOR FUCK’S SAKE THIS IS A PUBLIC PLACE!

LESLIE: Oh, yeah sorry.

CARLO: No one MADE any connection because there is NO connection to be made! Anyway, I was on a surfing holiday in Hawaii at the time. [hissing] FUCK man… SHUT UP!

LESLIE: Yes… [starts humming a random tune] Hey, have you ever been singing to yourself, and then you get so irritated you call the cops on you to shut yourself up?

CARLO: You’re clearly not drunk enough. Otherwise you'd be pushing yourself shouting “come on you bastard, you know the words COME ON! [singing badly]‘I MET MY LOVE BY THE GASWORKS WALL, DREAMED A DREAM BY THE OLD...’” then you’d pass out. That’s how I do it. Here, I'll show you...

[REST OF FILE REDACTED.]




‘I’ll chop you down, like an old dead tree...’ Fucking poetry! Stay tuned for the final, fifth installment!

So no one wants Reclaim Australia to play their songs. Except for Sydney City Trash...

The list of artists telling the Great Aussie Swastiska-Wearing Patriots of Reclaim Australia to stop playing their music at Reclaim events grows longer by the day.

John "Hey True Blue" Williamson is the latest, joining the likes of Jimmy Barnes, John Farnham, Men at Work, Goanna, Redgum and Midnight Oil.

Or, put another way, almost every artist played by those seeking to "reclaim" this wide, brown land from the halal-certified Sharia Law tyranny we all suffer under. But not all artists, though, are so cowardly in the face of halal Sharia terror. Country star Lee Kernaghan and country punk band Sydney City Trash have bucked the trend.

Kernaghan put out a statement in response to his song "Spirit of the Anzacs" being played that simply asked that "anyone" who uses the song do so with "respect". Sydney City Trash, on the other hand, were moved by the total failure of Reclaim movement to play a single one of their tracks to issue an open letter on their Facebook page on the matter -- complete with a song suggestion:

It has come to our attention that our music has NOT been played at recent 'Reclaim Australia' rallies across the country. We find this disappointing as we specifically wrote a song that we think aligns perfectly with the values of Reclaim. 
Seeing as you can no longer play Barnsey, Midnight Oil, Willow or Shane Howard feel free to take and use this little ditty. Our gift to you. You can play it right after Lee Kernaghan......

And here, loyal readers, is the song in question:



There's this nation they call Down Under
But to me it's top of the worldAnd I love this country so goddamn muchI'd marry it if it were a girlAnd when you talk bad about this nation I loveWell it cuts me deep insideCoz I seriously love, I mean actually loveWell I'm so filly with Aussie pride...

Play the song for the rest of the inspiring lyrics and I challenge you not to be deeply moved by their love for this great country of ours.

Monday, July 27, 2015

A far-right nut tried taking a gun to a Reclaim rally, but don't panic it wasn't a fake plastic sword or anything

When some far-right nutters from the United Patriots Front traveled from Sydney to Melbourne to join the Reclaim Australia march, police -- tipped off by boasts on social media -- searched their bus and confiscated a gun.

But don't panic, it wasn't anything really dangerous like that fake plastic sword seized last September from the home of Mustafa Dirani in the nation's largest ever coordinated anti-terror raids involving 800 armed cops in scenes splashed across the front pages around the country.

I mean, a gun can do a bit of damage, sure, but a plastic sword that "would be found in almost every Shiite household as a decorative item" that "wouldn't be able to cut a cucumber" could still very easily end up as a prop in an amateur theatrical production of Aladdin and frankly the world has seen too many horrors already. We can't be enabling amateur musical theatre in our suburbs.



The sword being removed. Couldn't cut a cucumber, but might be a prop in amateur musical theatre and that's a risk we can't take.


Still... a fucking gun that some fascist was going to take a protest targetting Muslim people and "left-wing extremists" that was likely to feature confrontations with anti-racist protesters... (and a knife was confiscated, and by all reports, it wasn't even plastic, which is just fucking cheating!)

It is pretty serious, which is why the cops confiscated the gun. I mean, sure they didn't even arrest anyone or even stop them going to their protests/Nuremburg Rally reenactments to "reclaim" Australia from the horrific Sharia tyranny we live under.

And sure they didn't carry out raids on the scale that targetted the 21-year-old Dirani on the supposed pretext of an ISIS-inspired plot to "behead a random stranger" (with a plastic sword), despite the fact that Dirani is a fucking Shia Muslim, whom ISIS are killing as infidels thus making as likely to carry out a terror attack coz ISIS told him to as an African American is to burn down a Black Church on KKK instructions.

But still. At least they confiscated the gun. And when you see images like this one below of a far right protester in Melbourne "high-fiving" a cop at the Reclaim rally, after the cops pepper-sprayed the anti-racists... just be fucking thankful at least they confiscated the fucking gun.



Friday, July 24, 2015

On The Sorry State Of Irish Folk Music In Ancient Greece: The Carlo And Leslie ASIO File Part 3

OK, this is the third installment of my ASIO files, and I have to admit, but now I was starting to see a certain trend. Apparently the only thing ASIO care about is recording me in some pub with the cad Leslie. FINE! We can only hope the remaining two installments provide us with something of actual interest.

You can read the fucking thing below, though I should warn you should probably read the previous two installments as this is a pretty linear, plot-driven series and you might otherwise get lost.

* * *


A pub.

[10:10AM. WEDNESDAY, [DATE REDACTED]. CARLO SANDS MEETS LESLIE [REDACTED] AT THE [REDACTED] HOTEL.]

CARLO: Ah, I gotta hand it to you. You finally came through with a beer! And it tastes pretty sweet!

LESLIE: Yeah, I found it in the hand of this passed-out guy in the beer garden. It was pretty much full too, just had to wipe a bit of his vomit away and it was more or less fine.

CARLO: Well... cheers!

[Two glasses are clinked]

CARLO: I still haven’t forgiven you though.

LESLIE: [sipping beer] Hmmm?

CARLO: You know why.

LESLIE: What?

CARLO: YOU FUCKING BEAT ME IN A DUEL TO THE DEATH! I AM DEAD NOW, YOU BASTARD!

LESLIE: Are you still going on about that? You challenged me to a duel to the death over some wild claim I had “insulted your honour” by failing to buy you another beer and then you stood up a declared to all and sundry in the pub that you “demanded satisfaction”.

CARLO: My reputation as a gentleman was at stake!

LESLIE: And so I chose aging as my weapon. State of your liver’s so bad, you can barely drink a ginger beer without falling over.

CARLO: And it was with such innocence I took that Facebook quiz “When will you die”! I still remember the result... October 21, 2008. It was only when you OH-SO-HELPFULLY pointed out it was already 2009 that the truth struck me... I was dead!

LESLIE: How do you think I felt? Being the slayer of Carlo Sands after all those millennia, when so many great assassins, angry mobs and enraged bartenders had failed before me! Every rogue cowboy in the known universe now wants a crack at me. I had three assassination attempts on the walk here just this morning! Luckily, those Tai Kwon Do lessons have proven handy.

CARLO: YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE YOU BEAT ME IN A DUEL TO THE DEATH! Jesus. Now my beer's empty. Just coz I’m dead doesn’t mean I am NOT THIRSTY, YOU BASTARD!

LESLIE: I’m right ahead of you. I saved you this one from the table next to the passed out guy. This bloke had actually thrown up right into the schooner, but I brought a sift from home. I think I got all the chunks out.

CARLO: Ah! You’re alright! You might be a murdering bastard, but this beer is going down gre... [chokes loudly] AARGH!

LESLIE: Sorry, guess I missed a bit.

CARLO: [coughs it out] Argh! I hate pineapple!

LESLIE: I know you are upset at being dead...

CARLO: The hangovers are even worse!

LESLIE: … but just think of what you achieved with your life! The discovery of fermented fruit, the invention of human sacrifice, the sack of Jerusalem ...

CARLO: Twice!

LESLIE: Three times. That was you with the Assyrians, wasn’t it? 8th century BC?

CARLO: Oh yeah, I had forgotten that one. I was pretty drunk.

LESLIE: And of course the Black Death!

CARLO: Ha! Yeah, that was definitely my most successful practical joke.

LESLIE: A third of Europe dead! Your proudest moment.

CARLO: I suppose I did achieve a few things. But I never got to conquer Persia!

LESLIE: Not the Alexander the Great thing again...

CARLO: The bastard left without me!

LESLIE: He couldn’t get you out the pub when it was time to go!

CARLO: It was happy hour! They had $5 pints of Guinness! And the band was playing a killer version of “Dirty Old Town”. [sings badly] “I’ll chop you down, like an old dead tree...” Fucking poetry.

LESLIE: Yes. You made that point on the night. Loudly. While jumping on the table, waving your machete around and demanding everyone else join in.

CARLO: But their version of The Dubliners’ “Rare Auld Times” was shit! I had to keep shouting at them to get them to play that bittersweet, melancholic lament to the gentrification of Dublin in the 20th Century... but they just pleaded that the first known settlement of any kind in general Dublin area was still 500 years away... I had to put my machete right into their faces and scream “PLAY IT YOU PRICKS!”

LESLIE: Brave effort, though.

CARLO: It was so hard to find a decent Irish pub in those days. I tried to raise the matter with Alexander, but all that Macedonian bastard could think about was how much of the Known World he'd occupied!

LESLIE: He got his come-uppence, though. You never told me how you ended up in Babylon that night, or where you found that strychnine to poison his wine.

CARLO: Well I guess you’re right. I have achieved a lot! Come on, you murderous bastard, another drink to celebrate!

LESLIE: Well... I suppose one more couldn’t hurt.

[FROM THIS POINT ON, NO FURTHER CLEAR DIALOGUE CAN BE DISCERNED FROM THE RECORDINGS. AT ONE POINT, IT APPEARS THEY COULD BE ATTEMPTING TO SING THE IRISH FOLK BALLAD “THE FIELDS OF ATHENRYE”, OR POSSIBLY SOMEONE IS ASSAULTING A POSSUM, IT IS NOT CLEAR.]




‘I remember Dublin City, in the rare old times...’ The Dubliners’ provide a clear example of how you are MEANT to perform Pete St. John’s classic tale of the gentrification of Dublin. Stay tuned for more!

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

On Redheads, Cycling And The Welsh: The Carlo And Leslie ASIO File Part 2


Yes it is what you have ALL been waiting for, without consciously knowing you were -- I have received the SECOND installment of my ASIO files, which I dutifully publish below, believing, as I do, in the principle of full transparency.

You should read the FIRST post on this, otherwise you simply won't have any clue what is going on. It follows directly on and it seems to me these security pricks have some sort of fetish with recording me in a pub with a bastard called "Leslie". Christ only knows why.

* * *


A pub.

[10.12AM, TUESDAY [DATE REDACTED] CARLO SANDS ARRIVES AGAIN AT THE [REDACTED] HOTEL JUST AFTER OPENING AND SITS WITH LESLIE [REDACTED] AND STARTS DRINKING.]

CARLO: [sighs] Jesus.

LESLIE: The legal system bringing you down?

CARLO: Did you know they make you wear pants in a court room?

LESLIE: So I hear.

CARLO: It’s fucking fascism.

LESLIE: Your court case. It’s not the “killing redheads” thing again is it?

CARLO: What? Oh, no.

LESLIE: Coz I was gonna say, they can’t usually survive in the environs north of Melbourne. And those redheads that do make it to adulthood have to stay indoors and move about through sewers.

CARLO: Sure that’s not vampires? Kinda similar, but vampires have a greater sense of morality.

LESLIE: No, I’m pretty sure I’m right. My own brother is beset with the redhead malady so I’ve always had to stay sharp and keep on top of their behaviours.

CARLO: YOU’RE RELATED TO ONE???

LESLIE: Yeah. So there's the whole thing of I carry the abomination in my blood too, but refuse to succumb to it, like Blade.

CARLO: That’s some heavy shit, man. It’s become such a controversial topic. Like, did you know some people actually consider it racist to kill a red-head?

LESLIE: That’s political correctness gone mad.

CARLO: I won't even kill them these days. It’s an OH&S thing. You get all that infected blood on you and it takes forever to scrub off. It’s not like NORMAL blood, it CLINGS to the skin, like napalm only worse-smelling. I tell local councils they gotta do their own cleansing operations.

LESLIE: Fair enough too. Shit, what’s the time? I gotta make sure I get home in time to watch the Tour de France.

CARLO: The Tour de WHAT???

LESLIE: The cycling.

[pause]

CARLO: I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO NEVER MENTION THAT TWO-WHEELED DEVIL SPORT TO ME EVER AGAIN!

LESLIE: Yeah but Carlo, that’s only coz you STILL can’t do it.

CARLO: I TOOK ALL THE SAME DRUGS LANCE ARMSTRONG TOOK! ALL THAT HAPPENED WAS I FELL OFF MY BIKE!

LESLIE: You shouldn’t have mixed it with all that red wine.

CARLO: That is where I usually go wrong with drugs. The point is WHERE IS MY BEER? YESTERDAY, RICHMOND, YOU PROMISED ME A FUCKING BEER!

LESLIE: Yeah, but ... the thing is Carlo...

CARLO: WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?

LESLIE: I’m broke. I can’t afford beer. I just said that to shut you up. And I really got to get home for the cycling...

CARLO: FUCK! THIS IS JUST LIKE THE SIEGE OF TROY ALL OVER AGAIN!!!

LESLIE: No, come on … the siege of Troy is still a very sensitive issue for me.

CARLO: Oh “come on Carlo, go invade Troy!” you said. “There is this girl held captive,” you said. “Her name is Helen and she is the most beautiful woman ever,” you said. “I swear she is the one! Please, please Carlo, go and liberate her and I’ll BUY YOU A BEER!” you said. DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO BUILD THAT GIANT FUCKING WOODEN HORSE!

LESLIE: Yeah well, I couldn’t have known she’d go running back to Menelaus. Never seemed a happy marriage. Still, it really didn’t help that the few times I got Helen alone, you invariably burst in shouting “where is my fucking beer!”

CARLO: That’s a great question! WHERE IS MY FUCKING BEER, RICHMOND?!

LESLIE: Look, I was depressed by the Helen thing! It was a hard time for me. I had to dedicate myself to wearing black and listening to The Smiths. And black was not in fashion back then and The Smiths weren’t invented until 1983, so it was a really hard few thousand years.

CARLO: Stop avoiding the question: WHERE THE FUCK IS MY BEER?

LESLIE: I can’t afford it.

CARLO: YOU LIED TO ME! AGAIN! YOU PROMISED ME BEER!

LESLIE: How about tomorrow?

CARLO: Tomorrow?

LESLIE: Yeah, meet me here tomorrow and I’ll definitely buy you a beer.

CARLO: What about a pear cider?

LESLIE: Oh no. I don’t want to end up in Wales again.

CARLO: What do you mean?

LESLIE: You know you can’t handle pear cider. Every time you drink it, we end up in Wales.

CARLO: What have you got against the Welsh?

LESLIE: Asides from the constant singing, nothing, except for the fact that when we finally sober up from one of your pear cider binges, we’re always in some field in north Wales surrounded by sheep carcases and  a furious mob of Welsh people wielding pitchforks enraged by some insulting rendition you did of their national anthem in the local pub.

CARLO: Haha, yeah. I do like to do that. But you’ll definitely buy me a beer tomorrow?

LESLIE: Absolutely. Now, I’m missing the cycling. You coming?

CARLO: No, I think I’ll stay here, wait till that bastard at the next table turns his back, then nick his beer.

[LESLIE [REDACTED] LEAVES THE [REDACTED]. CARLO SANDS PROCEEDS TO SPEND REST OF THE DAY STEALING OTHER PEOPLE’S BEER WHEN THEY ARE NOT LOOKING AND EVENTUALLY GETS THROWN OUT FOR A DRUNKEN RENDITION OF “DIRTY OLD TOWN”.]




'I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour...' He's singin' Leslie's song. STAY TUNED FOR MORE!

The Carlo and Leslie Dialogues: ASIO Transcripts Part 1

Now, everyone knows I'm a pretty important guy. Few things happen in the world of politics, high finance or pub trivia without Carlo Sands being consulted. So it struck me there could be no doubt those Pricks Who Govern Us would be monitoring my every move.

I've been thinking for some time of finally writing my much-anticipated memoirs, but then I figured… that’s a lot of work, why not just publish what these pricks have already recorded? And so I sent away for my ASIO file and received the answer: “TOP SECRET HIGHLY CLASSIFIED UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES TO BE RELEASED.”

This was perhaps to be expected, so I sent a text to an “associate” of mine who happens to hold a certain high up position within the Australian intelligence establishment in order to remind him of certain… favours I happen to render our American allies in 1971 in Laos during the Indochina war that should they… emerge... could prove a little unfortunate for more than one high profile figures in several countries.

The first installment of my files arrived in my inbox within the hour.

I poured over it and was a little stunned to discover it appears to consist of transcribed recordings of me in a pub… with the cad Leslie! Now the pub is unsurprising, but Leslie of all people? After what that cad did?

I guess they record everything and so this rare and bizarre occurrence got picked up with all the important things I do, which future files will no doubt reveal.

I was a bit disappointed, but as the alternative was to sit down and write my own fucking story myself, I have decided to publish the transcripts. This is the first of five installments. STAY TUNED FOR MORE! OR DON'T! I DON'T GIVE A FUCK I AM TOO IMPORTANT TO CARE!

* * *



A pub.

[10:05AM, MONDAY [DATE REDACTED], TARGET CARLO SANDS MEETS LESLIE [REDACTED] AT THE [REDACTED] HOTEL AT OPENING TIME. THEY START DRINKING BEER.]

CARLO: You know what?

LESLIE: What?

CARLO: I like beer.

LESLIE: I know you like beer. You are a big fan of beer.

CARLO: But, still, there's times when I think about ALL the beer I’ve drunk over ALL those years...

LESLIE: All throughout history.

CARLO: Over many millennia… and I think that if I had all that money I spent on all that beer … I mean just imagine how much beer I could buy!

LESLIE: Quite a lot of beer, definitely. Even taking into account inflation and rises in alcohol taxes, that is still quite a large amount of beer you’d have the purchasing power to access.

CARLO: A fucking shitload.

LESLIE: It's the sort of figure that puts the Greek debt crisis into context, for sure.

CARLO: I’d be set for years!

LESLIE: You could finally stop harassing other people to buy you beer all the time.

CARLO: Oh no! Just coz I’d be rich would be no reason to give up my favourite pastime!

LESLIE: It has caused you problems before, though. Remember when you kept badgering Genghis Khan to buy you a beer? I don’t mind running, but an enraged Mongol horde gets up quite a head of speed.

CARLO: That man had no vision! I tried to tell him! All of this conquering and subjugating and establishing the largest contiguous land empire in human history stretching right across Asia into Eastern Europe, that’s one thing! But you want to think big! “Genghis, mate,” I said, “you wanna go invade and subjugate New Zealand! In about 800 years, they’ll make the Lord of the Rings trilogy and the Hobbit films there and just THINK how rich we’ll be with the royalties!”

LESLIE: I know. He just kept insisting “what’s New Zealand?” He never understood your strategic genius.

CARLO: AND THE BASTARD NEVER BOUGHT ME A FUCKING BEER!

LESLIE: In his defence, he did repeatedly say “what the fuck is a pint of Guinness”?

CARLO: FOR CHRIST’S SAKE! A MAN CAN NOT LIVE ON FERMENTED HORSE’S MILK ALONE! God, now it has all come flooding back. Jesus. My machete-wielding arm is twitching. LET’S INVADE CENTRAL ASIA!

LESLIE: No, come on. Last time you tried that, you inspired a brand new geopolitical “syndrome” and a line in The Princess Bride. Have another beer. You like beer.

CARLO: Yeah. Beer is nice.

LESLIE: Yeah. Have another.

CARLO: Yeah. So... can you buy me a beer?

LESLIE: [sigh] Why don’t you just do what you normally do? Wait till the guy at the next table turns his back, then nick his beer?

CARLO: It’s such a hassle! The bastards complain and then there’s an argument and I have to get my machete out and then there’s a body to dispose of and it’s no longer in just ONE easy-to-move part, and there’s blood everywhere and I hate to piss off bartenders so JUST BUY ME A BEER, YOU BASTARD!

LESLIE: See, this is exactly how the 100 Years War started. You just can’t let the matter of a beer go.

CARLO: King Edward III NICKED MY FUCKING VB! Also, that throne was mine! But mostly it was that party where that Plantagenet prick drank my beer!

LESLIE: See, I knew it had to be something like that, coz you always hated the French. If you fought for them for 116 years, it had to have been over something important. It does explain why they nearly lost, though.

CARLO: What do you mean?

LESLIE: No one has ever doubted your commitment to a battle, but an inflexible strategic approach to all military skirmishes that involves running screaming “I’LL KILL YOU FROG BASTARDS” right at enemy lines was probably likely to be even less successful than usual when your main allies were an admittedly unsteady and changing alliance drawn from the French nobility.

CARLO: Yeah, but I always screamed it in English. That way none of those frog bastards in the English court had a clue what I said. [pause] Hey!

LESLIE: What?

CARLO: We don’t we go invade France! Seriously, it’s been DECADES since anyone’s had a decent crack! Sometimes I swear this world’s lost its sense of adventure.

LESLIE: No, not France again. Please. Look, I’ll buy you a beer, just promise we’ll stay out of France?

CARLO: Well, ok, if you’ll buy me a … [Phone rings] Hang on. [Answers] Hello? WHAT THE FUCK? GO SCREW YOURSELF YOU USELESS ARSEHOLE! YOU MAGGOT-RIDDEN PILE OF FERMENTED RHINO SHIT! I’LL CHOP YOU INTO A THOUSAND PIECES AND FEED YOU TO YOUR OWN PRIZED COLLECTION OF RARE, ENDANGERED SPOTTED BUG-EYED PIRANHAS! What? Yep. Yeah, sure thing. No worries. Cool. I’ll see you there.

LESLIE: Who’s that?

CARLO: My lawyer. Reminding me I am due in court. Shit, I better go … I have to find some rich prick and steal his suit.

[REST OF FILE REDACTED]




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