Monday, September 14, 2015

Did my Abbott Roast tip Turnbull over? You be the judge.

FACT 1: In a matter of minutes, the #libspill is scheduled to start. Malcolm Turnbull is challenging Tony Abbott for Liberal leader and the right to rule over this wide brown land.

FACT 2: On the opening night of Sydney Fringe Comedy, just a couple of Tuesdays ago on September 1, I took part in the Roast of Tony Abbott -- in which four of us  "roasted" Prime Minster Tony Abbott as represented by the Abbott Impersonator Jonas Holt in an event MC'd by Comedy on Edge's Mark Williamson.

Now full credit to the other three "roasters" -- Julia Wilson (representing 52% of the population), Peter Green (playing windfarmer Trevor Gumboot) and Kevin Rudd (doing a reasonable Nathan Lentern impersonation, or maybe vice versa,  not sure, I'd been on the Coopers Red) -- they were all great, *sure*.
But is it a coincidence that this has happened after my *savage* attacks, representing Green Left Weekly, on our prime minister? Well... I'd been meaning to get around to chucking my comments on the night up on this blog, and the dramatic events tonight have forced me to act decisively.

You be the judge. (Also, whatever happens tonight you can still see Tony "Jonas" Abbott and Kevin "Lentern" Rudd and myself and others at the Green Left comedy debate "Team Australia Should Be Disqualified" at Leichhardt Town Hall on October 17).



[Coming out waving Abbott out placard]

“What do we want, Abbott out! When do we want it, now! What do we want Abbott out, when do we want it… [gesturing to audience to finish "now":] Alright, calm down, this is a roast not a revolution! We can start that as soon as this done.

So you’ve probably guessed. I’m the Young Liberal.

Actually, I am from Green Left Weekly and as an environmental busybody, I was going to chain myself to the podium [holds up chain] and refuse to leave until Tony Abbott resigns, but under his new welfare laws, I couldn’t afford a padlock.

Tony Abbott. What can I say about our prime minister that won’t get my citizenship stripped?

Well… they say the left is too negative, always “no” to this, “don’t do” that, so I wanted to focus on the positives. Tony Abbott has been very good for those of us in the community who like getting angry. For us rage addicts, he’s been brilliant. Something new every day, it’s been great.

He’s been great for the left-wing protest sector in general, getting us out of the house and onto streets. For many of the older activists from the ‘60s, all these marches provide some much needed exercise.

Tony’s also been very good for the left’s self-esteem. Because SURE, we might be getting screwed 17 ways by over-entitled over privileged hypocrites… but then again… at least WE’VE never tried to knight a duke! At least WE know how to eat a FUCKING ONION! Next time try using a frying pan, Tony, you useless dingbat.

Tony has also done sterling work providing access to education to those who may otherwise be excluded… true, only for his daughter Frances, but it’s a step in the right direction.

However, I while we all appreciate your efforts, Tony, in securing Melbourne’s borders, I have one suggestion to improve your Border Force tactics. If you are really determined to catch visa violaters, just get Liverpool FC to play another game at the MCG… then round up the 90,000 English visa overstayers who turn up… In fact, just lock the gates and you’ve got yourself a brand new detention centre.

Tony has shown us why we should never trust “inspirational quotes”, you know the sort of Facebook memes with quotes saying “Be yourself. Be who you are, look inside your heart and be the best you you can be”, which is fine… but what if you’re Tony Abbott?

By all appearances you’re an out of touch, poor hating misogynist homophobe! Tony… If you’re being yourself, for god’s sake STOP! Ignore the facebook memes! DO  not be the youest you you can possibly be!

Tony has also taught us that we’ve been reading the Bible wrong all these years. In an appearance on Q&A in the days before it became the propaganda arm of ISIS, Tony was asked what Jesus would do about boat people and he said… “Jesus understood that there was a place for everyone … and that place was not necessarily Australia…”

Tony… are you SURE that’s what Jesus said? I know you’re the proud captain of Team Australia… but I’m not sure we actually MADE it into the Bible.

Or maybe there’s a previously unpublished Gospel According to Tony in which the Sermon on the Mount ends with Jesus saying “and the coal miners shall inherit the Earth… oh before you go, don’t forget… there’s a place for everyone and everyone in their place…but not Australia for the likes of you …they don’t like your kind”.

Presumably in the Gospel according to Tony, in the story of the Good Samaritan, rather than actually helping the injured Jew on the side of the road, the Samaritan just starts KICKING him while shouting “FUCK OFF BACK TO JERUSALEM, JERICHO FULL!”

What IS IT, Tony, with you and torturing innocent people including children? I mean GOD it’s just so… ARRGHH [clutches heart] oh jesus… my doctor warned me not to do this gig… god damn, I’ll stop now for the same of my health… enjoy the rest of Tony Abbott's overlordship.

There you have it. Abbott's has survived a lot, but that savaging was obviously too much many of his Liberal Party colleagues. Whatever happens in about ..ah... 25 minutes time... Come along on October 17... Support a paper that is not in Murdoch's pocket... you can get tickets here.

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